I love the blog community it has stretched my program. Tonight I was starting to spin with an event that happened today. The obsession began and my mind was starting to play the record over and over. This is painful for me but due to the program I can interrupt the song, turn it over to god. I can't control the past by reliving the event. It has followed me all my life I grew up with my Grandmothers obsessive chatter. She was a loving but compulsive alcoholic. For years she lied to us about quitting smoking and in the end she died from lung cancer. That is how she went I stayed with her till her passing in the hospital. I loved her despite her alcholism. In Alanon I get to forgive her for her abuse at times toward me.
My life has so much to be thankful for I am sober and have days of serenity.
It is little moments that I have learned to value and hold.
"Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution"
Gratitude
HP comes in handy with the skipping record
12 steps
I don't have to heal my business partner but I can sympathize with her situation
Music lifts my spirits
2 Siberian pups came up to me and wanted a pat on the back
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
24 years
Great meeting tonight at the Zen Center, One of the speakers celebrated her 24 years of sobriety. She spoke of her 24 years in the program and her 30 years in Buddhism. She believes her meditation increased due to her sobriety. This makes sense to me hard to concentrate with a hangover....ha
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
Gratitude
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity
"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
Gratitude
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity
"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Save your own ass
Wonderful day today it is our best time of year in northern California. I drove up north to a concert outside in 98 degree fall weather. Loved getting out into the country, ate a great meal with frozen frozen hibiscus tea.
My life is pretty good these days which I am grateful. Although one part of me lives in anxiety waiting for it to all end with one of H's rage attacks. I can feel it coming his work alcoholic days are piling up. What can I do about this? Stay present for myself and count the gratitude with my life at this moment. These rage attacks were very similar to my fathers alcoholic bursts as a child nothing could be counted on. I didn't know what to expect at nights. I have just realized the similarity to H and his rage attacks which is amazing the blogs are a great learning tool. I didn't cause, I cant cure it and I cant control it
The miracle working for me today is that I did enjoy myself I am learning to take care of me and not feel guilty. There have been many times I would have gone by myself and felt sad because H was at home. He doesn't like to go out much he works all the time. Really works. Horrible addiction but that is for him to work on I have to work on me.
Alanon is such a great program I have gotten so much in the rooms, through the literature, working the steps and having a sponsor.
It's a save your own ass program
Gratitude
HP works in miraculous ways
I am enjoying the steps and working on 4 at the moment
Some are sicker than others in the program but I have seen change occur slow but sure
It was amazing today I enjoyed myself with friends
Learning to enjoy my life despite some of my sadness about H not being able to be present
One second at a time
"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how."
Henry Beecher
My life is pretty good these days which I am grateful. Although one part of me lives in anxiety waiting for it to all end with one of H's rage attacks. I can feel it coming his work alcoholic days are piling up. What can I do about this? Stay present for myself and count the gratitude with my life at this moment. These rage attacks were very similar to my fathers alcoholic bursts as a child nothing could be counted on. I didn't know what to expect at nights. I have just realized the similarity to H and his rage attacks which is amazing the blogs are a great learning tool. I didn't cause, I cant cure it and I cant control it
The miracle working for me today is that I did enjoy myself I am learning to take care of me and not feel guilty. There have been many times I would have gone by myself and felt sad because H was at home. He doesn't like to go out much he works all the time. Really works. Horrible addiction but that is for him to work on I have to work on me.
Alanon is such a great program I have gotten so much in the rooms, through the literature, working the steps and having a sponsor.
It's a save your own ass program
Gratitude
HP works in miraculous ways
I am enjoying the steps and working on 4 at the moment
Some are sicker than others in the program but I have seen change occur slow but sure
It was amazing today I enjoyed myself with friends
Learning to enjoy my life despite some of my sadness about H not being able to be present
One second at a time
"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how."
Henry Beecher
Thursday, September 24, 2009
So Sweet and So Cold
This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
by William Carlos Williams
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Gardens
Had a wonderful day although I have a cold. Sometimes I have to get sick to take care of me, I often think clearer after I have been ill. It is an odd experience but makes sense my training was to take care of others to get my needs met. Alanon
The gift I get is, what is taking me down forces me to look at my inner life.
It is very freeing to have a chance to look at and be freer from the addiction, complusion and anxiety of acting out.
Yes I did have a nice day very simple in the moment experiences.
Quiet in the home and in my mind.
It is very exciting some of the architecture they are accomplishing with living walls of plants. Patrick Blanc in France is leading the way with his designs. These sculptures are incredible works of art. Plants are so healing to me, full of comfort.
My father was an avid gardener. Our family had extensive gardens and we experimented
with what to grow each year. For some reason I don't remember alot of drinking and fighting with gardening. So gardens bring me joy and good memories of our family being together.
I mowed the lawn and planted flowers around the home. My neighbor was very supportive of my gardening and encouraged me. It is nice to remember back to some of the moments
of my childhood.
It has been a struggle to grow near the ocean, with raccoons digging for worms and
gophers eating plants without wire cages. But I am learning what and how to grow.
This year I even had tomatoes which is rare here in the part of the west.
Gratitude
1. HP
2. Keep it simple
3. Fresh food
4. Strangers being kind to strangers
5. Dont take myself too seriously
6. Chinese herbs
8. Driving in the city doesnt trouble me too much
The gift I get is, what is taking me down forces me to look at my inner life.
It is very freeing to have a chance to look at and be freer from the addiction, complusion and anxiety of acting out.
Yes I did have a nice day very simple in the moment experiences.
Quiet in the home and in my mind.
It is very exciting some of the architecture they are accomplishing with living walls of plants. Patrick Blanc in France is leading the way with his designs. These sculptures are incredible works of art. Plants are so healing to me, full of comfort.
My father was an avid gardener. Our family had extensive gardens and we experimented
with what to grow each year. For some reason I don't remember alot of drinking and fighting with gardening. So gardens bring me joy and good memories of our family being together.
I mowed the lawn and planted flowers around the home. My neighbor was very supportive of my gardening and encouraged me. It is nice to remember back to some of the moments
of my childhood.
It has been a struggle to grow near the ocean, with raccoons digging for worms and
gophers eating plants without wire cages. But I am learning what and how to grow.
This year I even had tomatoes which is rare here in the part of the west.
Gratitude
1. HP
2. Keep it simple
3. Fresh food
4. Strangers being kind to strangers
5. Dont take myself too seriously
6. Chinese herbs
8. Driving in the city doesnt trouble me too much
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Clean up
I have been wanting to get a dog lately. I like dogs but I don't want to have to clean up after them. I had a trying day at AA so this might have something to do with the dream. I hope I don't offend anyone but yes this dream was all about dog poop.
Had a strange dream last night involving dog poop yes that is correct. I was spending the night at my moms home and when I woke up early there was dog poop in my bed, in the hall and yes all over my lovely MJ shirt. I remember thinking in my dream what does this all mean? I never got a chance to see the dog, to pet the dog, but I had to still clean up.
In my dream the price I am paying with receiving love is having to clean up the mess first. I didnt even get the dog nurturing just the cleanup. Well more will be revealed tonight with maybe another dream. Hope this one will be easier to write about.
Gratitude
1. HP
2. AA and it's gifts and lessons
3. Taking care of myself dont feel well
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As we understand
Had a strange dream last night involving dog poop yes that is correct. I was spending the night at my moms home and when I woke up early there was dog poop in my bed, in the hall and yes all over my lovely MJ shirt. I remember thinking in my dream what does this all mean? I never got a chance to see the dog, to pet the dog, but I had to still clean up.
In my dream the price I am paying with receiving love is having to clean up the mess first. I didnt even get the dog nurturing just the cleanup. Well more will be revealed tonight with maybe another dream. Hope this one will be easier to write about.
Gratitude
1. HP
2. AA and it's gifts and lessons
3. Taking care of myself dont feel well
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As we understand
One Day
Oh it was yet another great day in some ways and yet another test in patience towards difficult situations. My home group is really testing my serenity. I offered to be the groups GSR and it was going great until a certain woman got involved and started running the show. This experience has tested my patience, she has run her agenda toward me and her idea into the ground. Today I wanted to resign I am getting tired and really want to step out of the role it is just too much ...I always feel that I need to hang in there and make it all right for everyone but where does taking care of me fit in? I spoke to my service sponsor and he is aware of this difficult woman and knows her ways in the AA world. After 4 business meetings we are scheduled for yet another next week.
I am not sure if I will attend this meeting, my GSR position and funding has been discussed I am turning it over to HP.
HP has a plan for me and I did the footwork, my soles are wearing out.
Gratitude
HP has plans
12 steps step 3 turning it over
I have determination
Letting it Go
Walking out of an opera the grass was wet and it was cold
Life and its surprises
"The whole purpose of ALAnon is to help us iron out the rough spots in our living, and that can be done only one day at a time"
One Day at a time in Alanon
I am not sure if I will attend this meeting, my GSR position and funding has been discussed I am turning it over to HP.
HP has a plan for me and I did the footwork, my soles are wearing out.
Gratitude
HP has plans
12 steps step 3 turning it over
I have determination
Letting it Go
Walking out of an opera the grass was wet and it was cold
Life and its surprises
"The whole purpose of ALAnon is to help us iron out the rough spots in our living, and that can be done only one day at a time"
One Day at a time in Alanon
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Annie
