Care taking

Tired tonight trying to rest today. It was a busy day finishing up compiling round one of documentary films for a festival. There is an elderly woman from Alanon that I invited into the jury. She is not showing up in a way that is needed for the festival. We were to submit our final decisions today and she didn't have her list completed, the other members had to wait around as she scrambled to get it together. I felt like her mother.

She decided to go out and listen to Jazz last night instead of complete her submissions.

I have to step out of my expectations. I had to guide her through her list making. Was I care taking her? In some ways .... I have been gently guiding her through the process this being her first time to jury films. She is a literary agent and very clever for her 77 years but lacks a cinematic language.

Maybe I expect too much from her? This is where I work my program. Step back from her problem and look at my part in this episode.

One step at a time

Trust there is a HP who takes care of us all

Passings

It was a difficult challengin week. H family is involved in politics in the old old country. His uncle passed away after years of fighting the government publicly. He was in and out as a political prisoner for over thirty years. I have to say he wasn't my favorite person but I admired him. But his daughter H I did both like and admire. She was a devoted political activist fighting injustices openly in public. Her latest prison sentence was fighting voter fraud and it got her two years in prison. She was not afraid of the government speaking out against injustice was her life's calling. The goverment let her out of prison to attend her fathers funeral. As the family walked toward the cemetery she was killed by secret police. H's sister was by her side as the secret police beat her, she died shortly afterward. The police placed her body in an unmarked grave to hide the evidence. She knew the dangers speaking out meant and was not afraid.

I mourn her passing tonight in this blog.

Haleh Sahabi http://www.payvand.com/news/11/jun/1013.html

May I be filled with loving kindness,
May I be well,
May I be peaceful and at ease,
May I be happy (or free from suffering.

May you be filled with loving kindness,
May you be well,
May you be peaceful and at ease,
May you be happy (or free from suffering).

May all beings be filled with loving kindness,
May all beings be well,
May all beings be peaceful and at ease,
May all beings be happy (or free from suffering).

- Loving Kindness Metta -

Just outside the city

Restless

It was a soft day full of gardening then ending with a walk on the beach. I began the day feeling anxious wishing I had attended a retreat yesterday. I was tired though and felt I needed rest more. This is what happens somedays I don't feel content. I end up thinking I should have done something else than what I chose. I remember this too shall pass..Sometimes I get caught up in trying to figure it out when HP has a plan and I can always turn it over.

Restless Irritable and Discontent

Spiritual progress turning my life over to the care of HP

This is where I work my program do the footwork

"When you are practicing Zazen meditation do not try to stop your thinking. Let it stop by itself. If something comes into your mind, let it come in and go out, it will not stay long. When you try to stop your thinking, it means you are bothered by it. Do not be bothered by anything. It appears that the something comes from outside your mind, but actually it is only the waves of your mind and if you are not bothered by waves, gradually they will become calmer and calmer...Many sensations come, many thoughts or images arise but they are just waves from your own mind, Nothing comes from outside your own mind...If you leave your mind as it is, it will become calm. This mind is called big mind."
Suzuki Roshi in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

Turning it over to HP

The day is ending with a rain. I look out at the ocean watching the golden light the last of the day. The sun sets and another day as ended.

It was a difficult weekend. Our translators husband is in his final days on earth. N has worked tirelessly for our documentary. It was a practice in letting go and turning to HP to sit with him as he cried. He can no longer put sentences together a man who translated Russian space documents.

I realize his passing challenges me to look at life. A japanese friend commented when my grandmother was passing "remember without death there is no life." This sentence calmed me years ago sitting in a hospital waiting room.

Turning it over to HP who has a plan for the universe frees me to be present without worry and anxiety. If I can sit with him without trying to fix it this is a great gift I can give to him in these last days.

May I be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my teachers be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my parents be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my relatives be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my friends be well, happy, and peaceful.

May the indifferent persons be well, happy, and peaceful.

May the unfriendly persons be well, happy, and peaceful.

May all meditators be well, happy, and peaceful.

May all beings be well, happy, and peaceful.

If you wish, add the following prayer:

"Om Mani Padme Hum" ("Hail to the jewel in the lotus")

Acceptance

It was a long day today. I was lucky to end it all with a meeting and mediation.

Knowing that this meeting was going to end my day helped bring me peace.

Letting my mind rest with the moment is freedom. Thoughts move in and out

I watch them and try not to ride the pony. But I get caught up and put on the bridle.

Suzuki Roshi states mediation is one big mistake. We count our breathe and then get lost and start all over again.

In our daily lives and meditation practice we watch mistakes arise and try to deal with them with acceptance and kindness. Kevin Griffin

Gratitude

1. for my life today

2. This too shall pass helped me get through the day

I am not responsible for others happiness

Agnostic and Freethinkers

Today I decided to check out a new meeting in my neighborhood. Unfortunately I sat between two very large men, this was uncomfortable but I stayed needing the rooms today.

I ended up seeing my florist who I liked never knowing she was one of us. This weekend I made several calls to my sponsor it was good to connect to her. She has been there for me. R made a couple of comments which brought me back into the moment.

Alanon is a good program it has helped me enormously.

H is in one of his rages working too many hours. This uncomfortable place with H is where I get to work my program. My life has changed and the way I react has shifted.

In the past I felt so responsible to make him feel better, especially about me. His big bait to engage me is verbally downgrading who I am and what a failure I am etc etc. It is sad to read this but I was given Alanon to guide me through these difficult lessons. What H thinks of me is none of my business. Love this saying because I care so much at the expense of my serenity. Being freed today of one my character defects I have compassion for myself. Sitting with myself in meditation helps me to learn acceptance. In my mind I do believe that I am responsible for his happiness. Also I can be upset with H and still love him. He is in charge of his happiness. I am but a mere mortal .......oh my

I am enjoying my night reading blogs and getting ready to listen to Buddhist lectures.

I have a HP who loves me as I am.

"He who would have beautiful roses in his garden must have beautiful roses in his heart"