It has been a while since my last post but I was still reading others blogs. H family was here from Canada and elsewhere staying at our home. In the past I would not take breaks from them and my job when I wasn't working was touring them around the city.
My Alanon merging would begin and their needs became more important than taking care of myself. Then my resentments would surface the the obsessions would begin. The spin would circulate and not end for days...This was insanity as it would take over my thinking and cause me to act out on this craziness. I am proud of myself the spin event began and I took myself out of the
family and got myself to a meeting and then another meeting and this continued....and my resentments were lessened
Turning it over to God is another great tool..
My sister in law is challenging at the moment with some family matters but
I am praying for her. I pray she be given the serenity love and joy that I want for myself. What is it I need to accept or change?
Off to work another lovely day here in the West
Gratitude
1. HP takes care of me and everyone has a HP
2. the 12 steps and in particular the willingness to work step 4
3. my work with my partner is going well
4. H bday is coming up and I am glad we are together on this planet
5. Just for today I am feeling pretty good about my life
" No one else can define our role in the unique partnership we develop with our HP" In all our affairs
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Resentments
Wonderful weekend, things at my home group meeting seemed to have settled down. One particular individual wasn't at this Saturdays meeting which seemed to make things so much calmer of was I the one who was calmer? I sat through 4 business meetings in a row listening to her rally against the GSR position, and the group having to pay for my conferences. I prayed for her as I was noticing I was getting a serious resentment. But then I realized I had to change the way I was looking at the problem, she wasn't going to change. What was I learning from this situation? Eventually it is being revealed that life has many challenges in all kinds of situations even my AA program. Learning how to speak up for myself with gentleness and not getting angry to cover over my insecurity is a big lesson. Then turning it all over to God in regards to the results.
"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
Gratitude
1. HP has given me alot of gifts
2. 12 steppin the day away
3. Yoga keeps my life supple
4. Nevelsons sculpture is alive and well
5. Love my job and I hate it sometimes too
"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness we must learn new ways of living
new ways of relating to each other"
How can I help my children
"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
Gratitude
1. HP has given me alot of gifts
2. 12 steppin the day away
3. Yoga keeps my life supple
4. Nevelsons sculpture is alive and well
5. Love my job and I hate it sometimes too
"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness we must learn new ways of living
new ways of relating to each other"
How can I help my children
Monday, October 5, 2009
Slave to Desires
It was a great meeting tonight although I get something out of every meeting. They talked about desires tonight.
You can be free from desire. When you desire or crave something and act on it, you become a slave to that desire. To become free from this desire requires nothing extra, it actually requires less. You only have to realize that desire don’t require action. When you understand this, and desire arises, you will see desire in you. You will begin to experience the sensation of desire in your body; watch it rise up in you, peak, and then pass away. Don’t get angry with yourself for having desires, they’re here now, just watch it pass by.
This is what we talked about tonight in group. To watch the mind. This I try to do in my life with the program. I had alot of thought today about the upcoming Holidays...uhm yes do i dare bring up the subject. This is when I began blogging last Christmass 08. This year I would like to make some plans to have a nicer Holiday.
Guess something good arose out of this sadness I faced. How can I take care of myself?
Do the footwork, service, 12 steps, meetings
Gratitude
1. HP and the plan of life he she has for everyone
2. 12 steppin my life
3. Feeling like music is a meditation loved bluegrass this weekend
4. speaking up for myself in a loving way to my friend F
5. Being able to look at my H with love
"Change your thoughts and you change your world" Norman V Peale
You can be free from desire. When you desire or crave something and act on it, you become a slave to that desire. To become free from this desire requires nothing extra, it actually requires less. You only have to realize that desire don’t require action. When you understand this, and desire arises, you will see desire in you. You will begin to experience the sensation of desire in your body; watch it rise up in you, peak, and then pass away. Don’t get angry with yourself for having desires, they’re here now, just watch it pass by.
This is what we talked about tonight in group. To watch the mind. This I try to do in my life with the program. I had alot of thought today about the upcoming Holidays...uhm yes do i dare bring up the subject. This is when I began blogging last Christmass 08. This year I would like to make some plans to have a nicer Holiday.
Guess something good arose out of this sadness I faced. How can I take care of myself?
Do the footwork, service, 12 steps, meetings
Gratitude
1. HP and the plan of life he she has for everyone
2. 12 steppin my life
3. Feeling like music is a meditation loved bluegrass this weekend
4. speaking up for myself in a loving way to my friend F
5. Being able to look at my H with love
"Change your thoughts and you change your world" Norman V Peale
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The little mouse
Just got out of Thursday night Alanon meeting. A few people in the group have been very supportive of me while others haven't over the last year. I wanted people to come up and hug me and let me know it would be alright. Keep coming back. Some did welcome me while others just ignored me. That happens some people are just in their own space of sadness maybe.
But I seem to forget the loving members they really do try, I need to believe that everyone is trying the best they can. I am a fragile person in many ways looking for an opportunity to retreat into myself. But in many ways these are the beginnings of resentments they too are a way to hide. I feel like I have to figure it all out but I really don't....
I don't have to understand everything. Some things are not my business, and others will simply never make sense to me.
Sometimes just showing up for myself in life is enough. This can mean going to a meeting despite my feelings. Or I can change meetings and find new ones to attend. I have choices. This is important for me to remember.
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
Gratitude
1. HP is always watching over me
2. 12 steps are my tool kit
3. I sometimes go the Hardware store to buy milk
4. Sun and Beach are a good combination and it was a great day today
"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only."
Plautus
But I seem to forget the loving members they really do try, I need to believe that everyone is trying the best they can. I am a fragile person in many ways looking for an opportunity to retreat into myself. But in many ways these are the beginnings of resentments they too are a way to hide. I feel like I have to figure it all out but I really don't....
I don't have to understand everything. Some things are not my business, and others will simply never make sense to me.
Sometimes just showing up for myself in life is enough. This can mean going to a meeting despite my feelings. Or I can change meetings and find new ones to attend. I have choices. This is important for me to remember.
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
Gratitude
1. HP is always watching over me
2. 12 steps are my tool kit
3. I sometimes go the Hardware store to buy milk
4. Sun and Beach are a good combination and it was a great day today
"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only."
Plautus
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Not loving the spin I am in
I love the blog community it has stretched my program. Tonight I was starting to spin with an event that happened today. The obsession began and my mind was starting to play the record over and over. This is painful for me but due to the program I can interrupt the song, turn it over to god. I can't control the past by reliving the event. It has followed me all my life I grew up with my Grandmothers obsessive chatter. She was a loving but compulsive alcoholic. For years she lied to us about quitting smoking and in the end she died from lung cancer. That is how she went I stayed with her till her passing in the hospital. I loved her despite her alcholism. In Alanon I get to forgive her for her abuse at times toward me.
My life has so much to be thankful for I am sober and have days of serenity.
It is little moments that I have learned to value and hold.
"Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution"
Gratitude
HP comes in handy with the skipping record
12 steps
I don't have to heal my business partner but I can sympathize with her situation
Music lifts my spirits
2 Siberian pups came up to me and wanted a pat on the back
My life has so much to be thankful for I am sober and have days of serenity.
It is little moments that I have learned to value and hold.
"Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution"
Gratitude
HP comes in handy with the skipping record
12 steps
I don't have to heal my business partner but I can sympathize with her situation
Music lifts my spirits
2 Siberian pups came up to me and wanted a pat on the back
Monday, September 28, 2009
24 years
Great meeting tonight at the Zen Center, One of the speakers celebrated her 24 years of sobriety. She spoke of her 24 years in the program and her 30 years in Buddhism. She believes her meditation increased due to her sobriety. This makes sense to me hard to concentrate with a hangover....ha
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
Gratitude
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity
"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
Gratitude
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity
"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle
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Annie
