I just spent an hour writing a blog that dissapeared into thin air...poof just vanished
This is where I get to pratice letting go and letting god. Yes nothing is fool proof to allow for change and movement.
Life is a river we ride on boats, swim and even go on shore at times. Nice
Tonight had a good meeting. Got out and felt like my guts had been yanked out. I wanted the women to run up and hug me and tell me it would be OK. Dont worry it's going to be fine. They didn't come and hug me instead they took care of themselves. I want something more from the meetings, more care, more love. But, I let go of these feelings and show up despite myself I believe part of this feeling is my Alanon disease. Expecting someone to fill up my empty place inside. Learning to be with Dianne
is the healing...learning
Willingness to learn.
This uncomfortable edge has followed me through life. I am given an opportunity to examine it further in recovery.
Heal it or just accept it and examine feeling uncomfortable. In meditation I watch the thoughts come and go in my mind.
It is the attaching that strangles me and weighs me down. The deep part of myself is where I drown and I lie with the fear that this feeling will never leave me.
As a child I thought I would be dragged into the well with the feelings so I shut down. And in the bottom is where I hid, deep in the depths of me. It has been a struggle to find myself again the feelings are hidden.
Feels good to write and be aware of my life tonight in this moment.
Gratitude
1. For willingness to go to meetings
2. HP is within us all
3. That I didnt eat a hamburger today with fries
4. Life is one great crazy ride
5. music
"What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be"
Ellen Burstyn
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Everyone has a HP
With HP's help I can show up for myself, one day at a time. I feel so good despite the fact I don't have any big plans or goals for my life. The program has just allowed me to be more at peace with myself, with life's simple messages.
My world was always framed with a sense of unease and unrest within me. I am not sure what has shifted I do believe in the power of the rooms. Revealing dark secrets on a group level and then waiting for the ceiling to come crashing in on me. But the room has remained in tact despite my apprehension at times.
The critical voice is very loud these days but I don't run with it as much as I have in the past.
My niece is here visiting. She is spoiled and lives a very luxurious life. Part of me resents her lifestyle. I had alot of struggles with money when I was in college. Not only did I have to find a way to get a scholarship for myself but also for my brothers and sisters.
My niece has never had to get a job but this has really not added anything more to her world.
But I need to keep the focus on my life and not hers. Her choices are not what I should concern myself. This is part of my disease
taking care of others and then resenting them for not following my suggestions. Alanon helps me believe in myself and respect that other people are entitled to do the same.
I trust life has a plan for us all ..HP is there for each and every one of us.
Gratitude
Spoke up for myself and didn't drive a small child without a car seat
began to take down the decorations and didn't feel sad that the vacation was over
HP is there for the whole world
Nothing remains the same life is in constant motion
My world was always framed with a sense of unease and unrest within me. I am not sure what has shifted I do believe in the power of the rooms. Revealing dark secrets on a group level and then waiting for the ceiling to come crashing in on me. But the room has remained in tact despite my apprehension at times.
The critical voice is very loud these days but I don't run with it as much as I have in the past.
My niece is here visiting. She is spoiled and lives a very luxurious life. Part of me resents her lifestyle. I had alot of struggles with money when I was in college. Not only did I have to find a way to get a scholarship for myself but also for my brothers and sisters.
My niece has never had to get a job but this has really not added anything more to her world.
But I need to keep the focus on my life and not hers. Her choices are not what I should concern myself. This is part of my disease
taking care of others and then resenting them for not following my suggestions. Alanon helps me believe in myself and respect that other people are entitled to do the same.
I trust life has a plan for us all ..HP is there for each and every one of us.
Gratitude
Spoke up for myself and didn't drive a small child without a car seat
began to take down the decorations and didn't feel sad that the vacation was over
HP is there for the whole world
Nothing remains the same life is in constant motion
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Grateful
This year is coming to an end. I want to take this time to reflect on the progress I have made. Without the program none of this growth would have been possible. It's time to thank my higher power for the ability to stretch my inner life and look at the world in a new way. My Hp has given me so much and being present was the only way I achieve peace within. It is one moment at a time really for me, it is brief but time seems to add up slowly.
Being able to attend meditation and 12 step work strengthen my ability to watch my mind. In the past I have been so attached to everything. To survive my crazy surroundings as a child I lived in alot of fear and took that into my adult life.
My crazy monkey brain races around in my mind going in alot of fear driven directions. In meditation I have been labeling my thoughts lately. They come into my conscious arising as negative thoughts, then fear, and judgement, and a host of others from the lower realms.
" Teacher Chodron explains how finding tranquility in our own lives leads to a broader harmony in our relationships, our communities, and the surrounding world. If war begins within us, we have the power to end war." Pema Chodron
I want to give myself some credit for showing up in my life. The program has given me the willingness to unravel all the ego protection that I deposited over the years. It has been almost 2 years I am back in the programs. I have joined the levels of AA GSR service, was a treasurer in Alanon and reached out to newcomers in both groups.
HP has given me the ability to show up one day at at time. Showing up doing the footwork, having a sponsor and working the 12 steps has given me my life back! I am looking forward to a New Year.
Grateful
1. For the AA and Alanon Fellowship
2. The willingness to work the program
3. Taking care of my health
4. Gratitude for my life
Being able to attend meditation and 12 step work strengthen my ability to watch my mind. In the past I have been so attached to everything. To survive my crazy surroundings as a child I lived in alot of fear and took that into my adult life.
My crazy monkey brain races around in my mind going in alot of fear driven directions. In meditation I have been labeling my thoughts lately. They come into my conscious arising as negative thoughts, then fear, and judgement, and a host of others from the lower realms.
" Teacher Chodron explains how finding tranquility in our own lives leads to a broader harmony in our relationships, our communities, and the surrounding world. If war begins within us, we have the power to end war." Pema Chodron
I want to give myself some credit for showing up in my life. The program has given me the willingness to unravel all the ego protection that I deposited over the years. It has been almost 2 years I am back in the programs. I have joined the levels of AA GSR service, was a treasurer in Alanon and reached out to newcomers in both groups.
HP has given me the ability to show up one day at at time. Showing up doing the footwork, having a sponsor and working the 12 steps has given me my life back! I am looking forward to a New Year.
Grateful
1. For the AA and Alanon Fellowship
2. The willingness to work the program
3. Taking care of my health
4. Gratitude for my life
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Life is no brief candle
Tonight is Christmas Eve I feel good so much more in my life. Really I dont know how else to explain it except I am present
for myself. It's great to have gratitude for so much today. I had a friend invite me to her home and we had a simple but fun Christmas. Her 7 year old son performed most of the night and we laughed at his magic tricks.
Life is good when I can laugh and not take it all too seriously.
Let me make this day a celebration of spirit. I will set my problems aside for a little while and appreciate what it means to be fully alive.
Gratitude
1. That my program worked for me today and I didnt have to take a drink
2. My chocolate mousse cake was a hit at din din
3. I took things easy although at times i felt odd with myself
4. My life is pretty good and I am grateful
Life is no brief candle to me.
George Bernard Shaw
for myself. It's great to have gratitude for so much today. I had a friend invite me to her home and we had a simple but fun Christmas. Her 7 year old son performed most of the night and we laughed at his magic tricks.
Life is good when I can laugh and not take it all too seriously.
Let me make this day a celebration of spirit. I will set my problems aside for a little while and appreciate what it means to be fully alive.
Gratitude
1. That my program worked for me today and I didnt have to take a drink
2. My chocolate mousse cake was a hit at din din
3. I took things easy although at times i felt odd with myself
4. My life is pretty good and I am grateful
Life is no brief candle to me.
George Bernard Shaw
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Waltzing the Holiday Dance
Well it's 2 days till Christmas I have felt pretty good so far..Today was difficult my thinking started to get a little
in the victim attitude arena.
What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.
Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.
What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
Grateful
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning
in the victim attitude arena.
What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.
Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.
What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
Grateful
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Di-gin all of it
It's been a while since my last post. The holidays and work have me running around. This means my blogging is put on a back burner. I miss reading my blogs and get so much from everyones honest shares. The program has allowed me to connect again with the world in a healthier sometimes simpler way. A friend from the program wants to connect with me again but I dont want to let her in as I have in the past. It is also my fault that I went back to my old role as a stand by in my movie. To feel needed I would listen at all hours and make their problems my problems. Just for today my life is fuller and it is easier to live with myself. I dont have to run and hide in the latest catastrophe in someones life. I can keep it simple and do the footwork in my recovery program.
Grateful
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy
Grateful
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy
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Annie
