Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Waltzing the Holiday Dance
Well it's 2 days till Christmas I have felt pretty good so far..Today was difficult my thinking started to get a little
in the victim attitude arena.
What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.
Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.
What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
Grateful
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning
in the victim attitude arena.
What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.
Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.
What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
Grateful
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Di-gin all of it
It's been a while since my last post. The holidays and work have me running around. This means my blogging is put on a back burner. I miss reading my blogs and get so much from everyones honest shares. The program has allowed me to connect again with the world in a healthier sometimes simpler way. A friend from the program wants to connect with me again but I dont want to let her in as I have in the past. It is also my fault that I went back to my old role as a stand by in my movie. To feel needed I would listen at all hours and make their problems my problems. Just for today my life is fuller and it is easier to live with myself. I dont have to run and hide in the latest catastrophe in someones life. I can keep it simple and do the footwork in my recovery program.
Grateful
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy
Grateful
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Gratitude
I have alot to be grateful for in my life and tonight was a good indication of how far I have come in the program. We went to a friends home for Thanksgiving dinner.
There was tons of food and a sommelier pouring oodles of wine. I did not drink, I did not have sadness and feel lonely in a room full of people. We ate Turkey and a man siad inappropriate things to me I didnt plumet to the depths of my self esteem by his comments. This is just incredible recovery for me. What did I do to take care of myself? I didn't make Turkey for a home gathering instead I decided to go to a friends home. In the past My friend would bring her partner who often drinks too much all the time. I didnt want to surrond myself with this problem drinker and my friend who enables his drinking. We drove across the bay to a new friend, to try something new this year.
"I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I now have a different perspective on those experiences."
Gratitude
1. HP has a path for us all
2. This too shall pass
3. tired can hardly stay awake
There was tons of food and a sommelier pouring oodles of wine. I did not drink, I did not have sadness and feel lonely in a room full of people. We ate Turkey and a man siad inappropriate things to me I didnt plumet to the depths of my self esteem by his comments. This is just incredible recovery for me. What did I do to take care of myself? I didn't make Turkey for a home gathering instead I decided to go to a friends home. In the past My friend would bring her partner who often drinks too much all the time. I didnt want to surrond myself with this problem drinker and my friend who enables his drinking. We drove across the bay to a new friend, to try something new this year.
"I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I now have a different perspective on those experiences."
Gratitude
1. HP has a path for us all
2. This too shall pass
3. tired can hardly stay awake
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Flaws
Tonight I made a great homemade dinner and fresh apple galette for desert with cream. I am grateful I didn't have to swig down a bottle of wine to begin the meal. Oh yes I remember being so tired, angry, and full of resentments that to cook a meal I had a few drinks. I don't make the french dinners I used to, frankly it's too much work. My time is valuable and maybe some days I like to meditate or do other projects beside cook. I am not a superwoman. My critical self wants me to be it all and more. When I can't meet up to my expectations it is another cut to my self esteem. This is where I turn it over to God and trust.
My HP loves me despite all my flaws When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me I believe I am doing God's will.
What loving action did I take today? Today when I began to obsess I read some Alanon literature to take me out of the spin.
Self Love is a habit I like to keep going in my life. Learning to Love me, guides me and helps me love the world.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. My meditation program is working for today
3. Loving kindness toward myself and others keeps the world in balance for me
4. 12 steps are a wonderful therapy program and helps me grow
5. I went to a chocolate exhibit and realized it was the wrong weekend..never mind,,,, it was nice to see the bay
6. Sundays are Ok now
7. Thinking of my family and so glad they all seem to be doing so well in their lives (despite the animal hoarding)
"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"
Toyohiko Kagawa
My HP loves me despite all my flaws When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me I believe I am doing God's will.
What loving action did I take today? Today when I began to obsess I read some Alanon literature to take me out of the spin.
Self Love is a habit I like to keep going in my life. Learning to Love me, guides me and helps me love the world.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. My meditation program is working for today
3. Loving kindness toward myself and others keeps the world in balance for me
4. 12 steps are a wonderful therapy program and helps me grow
5. I went to a chocolate exhibit and realized it was the wrong weekend..never mind,,,, it was nice to see the bay
6. Sundays are Ok now
7. Thinking of my family and so glad they all seem to be doing so well in their lives (despite the animal hoarding)
"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"
Toyohiko Kagawa
Monday, November 16, 2009
Step 10
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
It was a good meditation meeting tonight we had a group inventory. This meeting is an open meeting which sometimes I find disturbing. Over half the meeting at times is filled with people not working a program. In retrospect this might help get someone sober listening to shares and realizing the similarities to their own addiction.
But the price we pay as a group is too high sometimes too many newcomers.
This is unusual I know this I have never experienced this in any other group.
So I brought this up to a group level tonight my uncomfortable edge that comes with so many fresh new faces each week. But our only requirement to enter AA is a desire to stop drinking. that is it.
Step 10 keeps me on my toes helps prevent me from back sliding into old thinking.
Gratitude
1. HP is standing beside me
2. That I can look at my behaviors with money
3. for 12 steps and my reluctance with step 4 right now
4. That my husband and I is getting better every day
5. For Skype and it's service
It was a good meditation meeting tonight we had a group inventory. This meeting is an open meeting which sometimes I find disturbing. Over half the meeting at times is filled with people not working a program. In retrospect this might help get someone sober listening to shares and realizing the similarities to their own addiction.
But the price we pay as a group is too high sometimes too many newcomers.
This is unusual I know this I have never experienced this in any other group.
So I brought this up to a group level tonight my uncomfortable edge that comes with so many fresh new faces each week. But our only requirement to enter AA is a desire to stop drinking. that is it.
Step 10 keeps me on my toes helps prevent me from back sliding into old thinking.
Gratitude
1. HP is standing beside me
2. That I can look at my behaviors with money
3. for 12 steps and my reluctance with step 4 right now
4. That my husband and I is getting better every day
5. For Skype and it's service
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Grateful
I was very inspired tonight reading a blog. The more recovery that I am able to accomplish in the program the more I experience love and forgive myself and find compassion and acceptance toward others. The work I do changes myself and the world around me in small ways and in global arenas as well. This peaceful feeling to me is very revolutionary toward shifting my world view. I felt this sense of serenity for seconds recently I was sitting meditation and had a flood of feelings that were warm and loving.
I didn't want it to end but it did and the twirling of anxiety in my mind began again.
The more I can encounter these moments the better able I can collect these and realize what the experience felt like for me.
This is a gift of the program which I am forever grateful. Really I had no idea my life could be this good despite my sad times.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
Grateful
Hp has a plan for me
12 steps and working them
turning it over
nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass
life is in constant change
I didn't want it to end but it did and the twirling of anxiety in my mind began again.
The more I can encounter these moments the better able I can collect these and realize what the experience felt like for me.
This is a gift of the program which I am forever grateful. Really I had no idea my life could be this good despite my sad times.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
Grateful
Hp has a plan for me
12 steps and working them
turning it over
nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass
life is in constant change
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Annie
