Letting Go

Concentrating on my breath helps center me during anxiety attacks. If I can focus on something keeps me concentrated. At night when I have trouble falling to sleep I count my breaths letting go it is a challenge to let go. This practice seems to help me with my program. Searching on the internet I found this quote attached below.

D: Why is letting go so difficult? I can watch my other emotions like anger and hatred, but it is much harder to see desire and clinging.

That's because desire and clinging precede anger and hatred. In any fit of emotion - and our mental formations occur so very fast - we can only identify gross emotions like anger and hatred. Desire and clinging are much more subtle, so it takes stronger samadhi to be able to see them.

You have been conditioned since you were very young to relate everything to yourself. As soon as you learn to recognise people and things, you're taught how to relate these to the "I" and "mine"-- my mom, my dad, my toy, etc. As you grow up you're taught how to relate ideas and concepts to yourself. You have to learn that so that you can function properly in society.

But at the same time, this process slowly and unconsciously creates a concept of selfhood, and you build up your ego. This build up is strengthened by the values of society. You learn to compete, to achieve, to accumulate knowledge, wealth and power. In other words, you are trained to possess and to cling.

By the time you are grown up, the concept of ego-self has become so real that it is difficult to tell what is illusion and what is reality. It is difficult to realise that "I" and "mine" are temporary, relative and changeable. The same is true of all that is related to "I" and "mine." Not understanding that "I" and "mine" are temporary, you struggle to keep them permanent; you cling to them. This desire to try to keep everything permanent is what makes it so difficult to learn to let go.

Buddhism and 12 steps

Had a wonderful dinner with Y. I used to make a dinner every night but lately have slacked off cooking. But when I do cook with fresh vegies it tastes good I enjoy it.

I am studying with a Buddhist teacher around the 12 steps. She is a very caring, considerate person. This is a gift of the program being a part of her group. When I first met her I liked her right off we share alot of similar experiences. I had to ask her three times before she finally agreed to be my teacher. Three is some odd number used in Zen practice.

We are reading a Pema Chodron's book No Time to Loose, The Way of the Bodhisattva and then have discussion. There are four in the group the other 2 women have a long history of being friends. There is a triangulation although the teacher tries to take this into consideration.

We do 12 step shares. I cried during my share thinking of my relationship with my mother.

They were there for me. It felt good to know these women..

Today I practiced my meditation to ease me through the day. I counted my breathe

then lost concentration. Making mistakes and admitting this is freeing. Just like working the steps admitting our errors. Suzuki Roshi calls meditation "one continuous mistake".

We go off the breath and then come back. "In our daily lives as well as our meditation practice

we try to cultivate the same attitude of watching the mistakes arise with acceptance and kindness." Kevin Griffin

Gratitude

HP is there for me even on the dark days

Feeling good right now love to blog

Happy to have my life

Where I focus my attention

I just got back from my Buddhist meeting. Throughout the meeting I felt ill at ease.

Despite this feeling I meditated walking through my fear. Walking through my character defects with grace, mindfulness and willingness. Buddhists believe we are fluid dynamic underneath our habits of mind. Beneath our hinderances, beneath the thoughts feelings and sensations is pure awareness. Beautiful way to view my interior it is true surrender. Our nature is a luminous presence and this nature can not be defective.

Letting go and surrendering my negative self talk is slippery. My will power wants to hold on tight to being a victim so much sadness bathes my identity. One suggestion is to focus on the parts of the day when I am not feeling depressed. How I think about myself is important to how I feel about myself.

Alanon has helped me to discover that, while it's good to acknowledge whatever I feel, I have a choice about where I focus my attention. I have been given a precious life and have been created for a purpose. I can look at the postive in everything that I do and see. A new perspective helps me to realize I have choices and some of the most difficult times in my life have produced the most wonderful changes.

I will replace a negative attitude with a positive one today.

Gratitude

Hp has plans for me and I dont have to understand it all

I have been a member now for over 3 years again after an absence.

My life has many wonderful moments, hours, days, and years!

relief

Everyday I am learning more about life. I am grateful for the willingness my HP gives me to learn more about who I am. My relationship with me is challenging but i ask for guidance to love who I am. It is hard to accept where I am at and to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me.

But at this moment I feel acceptance.

Lately in meditation I have been examining my self hatred. This has permeated my life since I was a young girl. I didnt have to the power to make the family feel better therefore I was a failure. This world view follows me even today. I watch my mind awaken with negative self talk. It's embarrassing for me to mention it is very painful. For the past two days I had relief from this recording I was relieved. Practicing my program around this defect gives me relief.

Learning to take care of me without focusing on someone else's problem is recovery in action.

I am responsible for myself. Positive self care means learning to care for D to keep the focus off others. I am not God.

Gratitude

1. HP is a loving presence

2. 12 steps guide me through the labyrinth