trusting HP

 An  Dharma talk today from RA today very mind expanding. He is  incredibly loving person, to me anyway. He reminds me of a wonderful therapist in Seattle who was very present and loving to me.

I feel such gratitude to have found these people who have helped me in my life. G helped me to love my father.

This and sitting in the rooms listening to older fellas talk about their feelings.

The talk was on Albert Camus and the question of "Is life worth living?" Being present with pain and the tools to assist with the feelings. Not to run from the feeling but welcome it. I don't have to like pain but can tame pain like a domesticated animal.

I am dealing with feelings I have around "witnessing pain" and the affects it has had on my life. In the past I was the keeper of my mothers pain. I felt robbed of my youth hearing her pain and wanting to make it better for her. My needs were smothered her needs were more important for our family. 

 

My friend M from Yoga is getting ready to stop eating. I had dinner with her on Friday night, C and I brought food. She is 90 years old and talks of her life as an artist. Books of her past were brought down from the shelves as we went over her youth. 

She wants to leave the planet. I want her to continue to live in this world.

 But i do understand her wanting to have the ability to end her life when she can make this decision.

Her legs swell and become filled with fluid last time for one month. I cant talk about it much either it's too late in the night makes me sad.

This is my lesson currently a difficult one.

Witnessing her pain honoring her choice is a gate that I am dancing with. Death is not easy to witness they will be gone forever except in my memory. No one escapes trusting HP has a plan.