Friday, August 10, 2012

Gossip

Let there be no gossip...I have been paying attention to this character defect that I practice. Why do I feel this need to continue some behavior I find troubling.  To connect with others? When I developed this bad habit probably began in my early childhood. I was shy and felt
uncomfortable talking to people. So it was a safe topic I guess? My grandmother who lived in our home would talk about my Mother, her daughter. It wasn't a good modeling this talking of others.
 I didn't like it when she talked about my Mom. I took this quality on as an adult and it troubles me.
Turning it over tonight but becoming mindful of this defect of character.


The Buddhist Guide to Gossip

Nancy Baker


So why do we talk about others’ errors and faults? What’s in it for us? Well, probably a number of things. Sometimes there’s the need for reassurance that I’m right. Or that I’m good. Or that I’m at least not like that, whatever “that” may be. It can also be a way of avoiding what I imagine will be a confrontation. It’s an avoidance of telling the truth, of putting truth where it belongs. So in speaking about as opposed to speaking to someone, we’re failing to honor this precept. And that’s often what we do. We’re afraid. Also motivating us is the need to get someone over to my side about an issue. Most striking of all is the unconscious desire for intimacy with the one to whom I am speaking. But this is a delusion, since it is nothing but false intimacy. In fact, it’s amazing to think that we actually use speaking about the faults of others in order to feel connected. Notice the contradiction, the delusion, here: We use, and even create, separation from one thing or person to overcome separation from another! We are afraid of genuine contact, so we find something or someone to complain about or gossip about. It occurs to me that the “expounding upon” the errors and faults of others in one of the translations mentioned above is part of this. It means telling stories about, analyzing, enjoying being very “perceptive” with another at someone else’s expense, as if this shared enterprise brings us closer together.

1 comment:

Syd said...

Such true words about using gossip to feel connected without actually being connected. I dislike gossip as well. It is hurtful and dangerous.

Annie

Annie