Forgiveness

Today flew by ... I had a difficult day with feeling unwanted, unloved but pulled myself out of the old groove by going to a meeting. Some days I forget the small voice in the back whispering old familiar slogans " your defective" "you are unlovable" so on and so forth.

We have relatives in town from NY they are visiting another family member R who lives ten minutes away.Although we went to University together we don't communicate. I have made efforts in the past to R but they were ignored. I use this as a way to prove to the old self the whisper messenger was right I am not worthy of love. My victim-hood is reinstated and the disease is alive.

This is sick but at least a part of me realizes I am playing out a story line. Working the program has given me insight into the workings of my insanity.

To be honest R and I were never close. We are very different people. But I choose situations to feed my monster, he needs food to keep the addiction alive.

Tonight I am going to pray for R and also myself. I deserve care and support and the first person I look to is myself. With the help of the program learning how to care deeply is revealed.

We will enjoy a new freedom and happiness.

I have a HP that loves me as I am. When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me, I believe I am doing God's will.

THE PRACTICE OF TONGLEN

In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.