Grateful for my life tonight
received a gift of the program

Walking

Beautiful morning I am tired from working yet my anxious state wont let me rest.
This is how I used to move through and still do-- my life. How do I take care of myself?

Growing up in an alcoholic home forced me to adapt to situations quickly, often putting my own feelings aside. Surrounded with forceful personalities, I learned it was easier and safer to conform to the needs of the people involved, rather than take care of my own needs.

Today I am going for a walk and turning my will and my life over to HP.

One moment

Woke up early to a quiet soft morning...Sundays can be gentle. Decided to dance through my favorite blogs. Sad to read one of my bloggers is recovering from cancer surgery. The program will be there for us even when we cant be there for ourselves. It's important to know recovery is out there and meetings are going on, folks are ready to chat (however briefly) and recovery books are standing on my shelves.
Grateful that I have my health but it has taken me a while to learn self care. How do I care for myself?
There is a spiritual emotional caring today that means a slow morning.
Later on I may get a massage or some acupuncture.  I have some troubles with a friend that might need to be chatted more about or not....lets see how the day unfolds. Keeping it in the moment and turning it over to God. But I do have some footwork to look at before turning...
This means calling my sponsor.
D


The Journey Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Keep the focus on myself

It has been a while since posting although I was never a constant bloggini. But I have received many gifts from reading others blogs, despite my lack of posts. Currently keeping myself mentally and physically fit is working my program also. Today I plan to walk with J he and I spend quality time
talking to each other as we walk through the park behind our home. We are fortunate to have a large park that borders the ocean it once drew traffic through this area but the road collapsed and was not rebuilt. Things change and I am changing too. There are parts of my relationship that I still find troubling but their have been many positive shifts since working the program. I don't have to take care of J he has his HP and I have my HP. I can be happy even when J is depressed. When I also try to force an outcome our relationship does not work well. He has a resentment and I get disappointed it hasn't turned out the way I wanted it. I can concentrate my energy where I do have some--control
over my own life. This means going out for a walk and enjoying the morning.

One day at a time my life is unfolding and I am trying to be present to what is unfolding for me.
"As I continue to practice putting the focus on myself, it is a relief to see I can let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them. Alanon is for Adult Children

Compassion

So nice to open up my blog and look at others posts. Connecting with other Alanon folks
has deepened my life. Knowing I am not alone others are out there in the world
who have gone through similar experiences is freeing for me. Why?
Isolation is a big part of the disease...I still find myself withdrawing in situations thinking they will never be able to understand someone like myself. But with Alanon's help
it is ok not everyone has to understand me as I am learning to love and understand myself.
Small steps of acceptance and compassion toward myself and then reaching into the well to
help others who are still suffering from the disease. For me this is a small act but it has wide reaching realms. A gift of working a program.

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh



Compassion for self and compassion for others
Acting in a people pleasing manner is not compassion for others
Incredible talk take a listen!

Simple yet full

Christmas was nice simple and yet full. But I do feel tweaked at different times, just go off the phone with a friend. Feeling left out and less than. No one has a right to these feelings. But it is a good
indicator of what I have felt before from this person in the past. Step back and not react. I felt myself shutting down. hurt.
Life is suffering it is how I deal with this suffering that sets me free.
Buddha

Getting ready for the new year full of more experiences. I have a life that is precious

Forgiveness

Beautiful day today spent my morning at the Zen Center in the country.
Full sun along the beach, tilled fields and hopes of salmon spawning in the creek that runs from the ocean.
Lots of effort is spent for the fish to come back again.
I enjoyed spending time with an old friend and confessing some of my character defects.
Wanting my mother to wake up and become the woman I envision. This awakening 
will mostly not happen and needing to keep the focus on my life. My job was to care take her needs and forget my own needs. Today I have choices and the ability to have compassion for both of us.
I search for compassion toward her. 
Grateful for a  warm friend today who was there for me when I needed a kind word.

My old feelings of loneliness are popping up here and there. This is part of my disease.
Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, and reaching out the newcomer. I forget sometimes to reach out
to the newcomer I was needing a kind word when I first arrived.

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done. Buddhist thought