Grateful

This year is coming to an end. I want to take this time to reflect on the progress I have made. Without the program none of this growth would have been possible. It's time to thank my higher power for the ability to stretch my inner life and look at the world in a new way. My Hp has given me so much and being present was the only way I achieve peace within. It is one moment at a time really for me, it is brief but time seems to add up slowly.

Being able to attend meditation and 12 step work strengthen my ability to watch my mind. In the past I have been so attached to everything. To survive my crazy surroundings as a child I lived in alot of fear and took that into my adult life.
My crazy monkey brain races around in my mind going in alot of fear driven directions. In meditation I have been labeling my thoughts lately. They come into my conscious arising as negative thoughts, then fear, and judgement, and a host of others from the lower realms.

" Teacher Chodron explains how finding tranquility in our own lives leads to a broader harmony in our relationships, our communities, and the surrounding world. If war begins within us, we have the power to end war." Pema Chodron

I want to give myself some credit for showing up in my life. The program has given me the willingness to unravel all the ego protection that I deposited over the years. It has been almost 2 years I am back in the programs. I have joined the levels of AA GSR service, was a treasurer in Alanon and reached out to newcomers in both groups.
HP has given me the ability to show up one day at at time. Showing up doing the footwork, having a sponsor and working the 12 steps has given me my life back! I am looking forward to a New Year.
Grateful
1. For the AA and Alanon Fellowship
2. The willingness to work the program
3. Taking care of my health
4. Gratitude for my life

Life is no brief candle

Tonight is Christmas Eve I feel good so much more in my life. Really I dont know how else to explain it except I am present
for myself. It's great to have gratitude for so much today. I had a friend invite me to her home and we had a simple but fun Christmas. Her 7 year old son performed most of the night and we laughed at his magic tricks.
Life is good when I can laugh and not take it all too seriously.
Let me make this day a celebration of spirit. I will set my problems aside for a little while and appreciate what it means to be fully alive.
Gratitude
1. That my program worked for me today and I didnt have to take a drink
2. My chocolate mousse cake was a hit at din din
3. I took things easy although at times i felt odd with myself
4. My life is pretty good and I am grateful

Life is no brief candle to me.
George Bernard Shaw

Al-Anon Lifer: Taking Risks

Al-Anon Lifer: Taking Risks

Waltzing the Holiday Dance

Well it's 2 days till Christmas I have felt pretty good so far..Today was difficult my thinking started to get a little
in the victim attitude arena.

What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.

Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.

What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
Grateful
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning

Di-gin all of it

It's been a while since my last post. The holidays and work have me running around. This means my blogging is put on a back burner. I miss reading my blogs and get so much from everyones honest shares. The program has allowed me to connect again with the world in a healthier sometimes simpler way. A friend from the program wants to connect with me again but I dont want to let her in as I have in the past. It is also my fault that I went back to my old role as a stand by in my movie. To feel needed I would listen at all hours and make their problems my problems. Just for today my life is fuller and it is easier to live with myself. I dont have to run and hide in the latest catastrophe in someones life. I can keep it simple and do the footwork in my recovery program.
Grateful
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy

Gratitude

I have alot to be grateful for in my life and tonight was a good indication of how far I have come in the program. We went to a friends home for Thanksgiving dinner.
There was tons of food and a sommelier pouring oodles of wine. I did not drink, I did not have sadness and feel lonely in a room full of people. We ate Turkey and a man siad inappropriate things to me I didnt plumet to the depths of my self esteem by his comments. This is just incredible recovery for me. What did I do to take care of myself? I didn't make Turkey for a home gathering instead I decided to go to a friends home. In the past My friend would bring her partner who often drinks too much all the time. I didnt want to surrond myself with this problem drinker and my friend who enables his drinking. We drove across the bay to a new friend, to try something new this year.
"I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I now have a different perspective on those experiences."
Gratitude
1. HP has a path for us all
2. This too shall pass
3. tired can hardly stay awake

Flaws

Tonight I made a great homemade dinner and fresh apple galette for desert with cream. I am grateful I didn't have to swig down a bottle of wine to begin the meal. Oh yes I remember being so tired, angry, and full of resentments that to cook a meal I had a few drinks. I don't make the french dinners I used to, frankly it's too much work. My time is valuable and maybe some days I like to meditate or do other projects beside cook. I am not a superwoman. My critical self wants me to be it all and more. When I can't meet up to my expectations it is another cut to my self esteem. This is where I turn it over to God and trust.
My HP loves me despite all my flaws When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me I believe I am doing God's will.
What loving action did I take today? Today when I began to obsess I read some Alanon literature to take me out of the spin.
Self Love is a habit I like to keep going in my life. Learning to Love me, guides me and helps me love the world.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. My meditation program is working for today
3. Loving kindness toward myself and others keeps the world in balance for me
4. 12 steps are a wonderful therapy program and helps me grow
5. I went to a chocolate exhibit and realized it was the wrong weekend..never mind,,,, it was nice to see the bay
6. Sundays are Ok now
7. Thinking of my family and so glad they all seem to be doing so well in their lives (despite the animal hoarding)
"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"
Toyohiko Kagawa