Friends

A visitor just left I havent seen him in 12 years, his wife was a good friend. She was killed in a tragic accident in Berlin. It was difficult to see him. I miss A still after all these years....We had so many memories we shared, Eritrea walking the streets, hiking the mountains to a remote monastery picking up an accident victim blood spilling from his head. Laughter too smiling at the absurdity of life.
It was all there shared and then she was gone...and I had it all to myself no one to reminisce with.

Where does my program work with this? Life is many memories learning to not get stuck in just a few.
A will always be with me until I pass...She still makes me smile.
One day at a time.

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe' a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." Zen 

Mr Loneliness

Keeping things in the moment. Began reading a blog this morning the future tripping about being sober scared her...the addict is strong and looks for moments to weaken our program. One day at a time
is what I like to concentrate on otherwise the world is at odds for me.
Feeling a little anxious these days needing to get to a meeting. I reach out to my sponsor but she is busy. Might need to send her an email. Keeping the communication open for me is important needing to feel the community is there in meetings on the end of a phone. If I retreat Mr Loneliness is smiling at me from dark corners, self pity is in the fridge drinking my lemonade and I am at odds with the world. The big world is spinning round despite what goes on with me...HP is here also graciously inside us all
Time for work
one day at at time

Summer in the city....rolling fog

The Zen of Faith

On the other end of the spectrum is Zen, which stubbornly resists belief in anything supernatural. As Master Bankei said, "My miracle is that when I'm hungry, I eat, and when I am tired, I sleep." Even so, a Zen proverb says that a Zen student must have great faith, great doubt, and great determination. A related Ch'an saying says the four prerequisites for practice are great faith, great doubt, great vow, and great vigor.

Common understanding of the words "faith" and "doubt" renders these sayings nonsensical. We define "faith" as an absence of doubt, and "doubt" as an absence of faith. We assume that, like air and water, they cannot occupy the same space. Yet a Zen student is encouraged to cultivate both.

Sensei Sevan Ross, director of the Chicago Zen Center, explained how faith and doubt work together in a dharma talk called "The Distance Between Faith and Doubt." Here's just a bit:

"Great Faith and Great Doubt are two ends of a spiritual walking stick. We grip one end with the grasp given to us by our Great Determination. We poke into the underbrush in the dark on our spiritual journey. This act is real spiritual practice -- gripping the Faith end and poking ahead with the Doubt end of the stick. If we have no Faith, we have no Doubt. If we have no Determination, we never pick up the stick in the first place."

Some step 12 work! on doubt

Faith and Doubt

Faith and doubt are supposed to be opposites, but the Sensei says "if we have no faith, we have no doubt." I would say, also, that true faith requires true doubt; without doubt, faith is not faith.

This kind of faith is not the same thing as certainty; it is more like trust (shraddha). This kind of doubt is not about denial and disbelief. And you can find this same understanding of faith and doubt in the writing of scholars and mystics of other religions if you look for it, even though these days we mostly hear from absolutists and dogmatists.

Faith and doubt in the religious sense are both about openness. Faith is about living in an open-hearted and courageous way and not a closed up, self-protecting way. Faith helps us overcome our fear of pain, grief and disappointment and stay open to new experience and understanding. The other kind of faith, which is a head filled up with certainty, is closed.

Pema Chodron said, "We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice." Faith is being open to what scares us.

Doubt in the religious sense acknowledges what is not understood. While it actively seeks understanding, it also accepts that understanding will never be perfect. Some Christian theologians use the word "humility" to mean about the same thing. The other kind of doubt, which causes us to fold our arms and declare that all religion is bunk, is closed.

Zen teachers talk about "beginner's mind" and "don't know mind" to describe a mind that is receptive to realization. This is the mind of faith and doubt. If we have no doubt, we have no faith. If we have no faith, we have no doubt.

Grateful for my life tonight
received a gift of the program

Walking

Beautiful morning I am tired from working yet my anxious state wont let me rest.
This is how I used to move through and still do-- my life. How do I take care of myself?

Growing up in an alcoholic home forced me to adapt to situations quickly, often putting my own feelings aside. Surrounded with forceful personalities, I learned it was easier and safer to conform to the needs of the people involved, rather than take care of my own needs.

Today I am going for a walk and turning my will and my life over to HP.

One moment

Woke up early to a quiet soft morning...Sundays can be gentle. Decided to dance through my favorite blogs. Sad to read one of my bloggers is recovering from cancer surgery. The program will be there for us even when we cant be there for ourselves. It's important to know recovery is out there and meetings are going on, folks are ready to chat (however briefly) and recovery books are standing on my shelves.
Grateful that I have my health but it has taken me a while to learn self care. How do I care for myself?
There is a spiritual emotional caring today that means a slow morning.
Later on I may get a massage or some acupuncture.  I have some troubles with a friend that might need to be chatted more about or not....lets see how the day unfolds. Keeping it in the moment and turning it over to God. But I do have some footwork to look at before turning...
This means calling my sponsor.
D


The Journey Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.