My vacation was nice it was good to get away from my life. The ocean was turquoise blue with white patches of coral glimmering through.
For the first time I snorkeled, it was incredible to watch the fish, coral sand whirl and turn.
I didn't feel well and thought of canceling my day in the sea. But I remembered to keep it simple and followed my breathe for guidance in my uncomfortable place. We sped through the water in a small boat and hit some large waves. But it turned out wonderful despite my hesitation. I took care of myself by mentioning my anxiety to the leader of the group. He was patient with me and took time to describe the trip.
At the resort there was heavy drinking and large amount of food consumed all day long. I stepped back and watched. Do we really need to eat and drink such large amounts of everything? It is disturbing to be a part of the mindless consumers. I don't want to sound like I am above the crowd because I am not above anyone. But the buckets of food poured out was incredibly sad I hope buffets become less popular one day. Hell for me would be a revolving buffet line filled with trays of food pilled ever higher kind of like Jack in the beanstalk image.
I missed the program and didn't attend any meetings. Tonight I screwed up and didn't attend my meditation meeting,,, tomorrow I hope to make my Alanon meeting.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of things when you are relaxed.
Grateful
1. HP guides me
2. The sun was healing
3. Sleeping in my bed after being away was comforting
God does for me what I cannot do for myself
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
I don't understand and I don't have to
Tommorrow I will be in Mexico. I am looking forward to a break from my everyday life.
My life is not boring, I feel that it's quite the opposite. I enjoy learning and creating. It has been challenging this year applying for grants. It has stretched me and at times I feel insecure, old and ready to fuck it all up...
But I guess my HP has other plans for me. I get to show up for myself. It seems odd writing this about myself but my life has gotten clearer.
I have some anxiety about this vacation and the partying that has been mentioned. I have a tool chest with Program written on it, guess I better remember to reach in and use them when things get stuck. For some reason I have suspicions this resort may have some Alanon meetings. If there are no meetings I can set some time aside to create one myself.
My old dear friend C comes also from a long line of heavy drinkers. Her sister has followed in her grandmothers footsteps and drinks daily, she was such a sad girl growing up.
I don't have to fix C's sister P has a HP to take care of her life. I can have a good time and keep my side of the road clean.
These care taking nightmares bring back old memories in the past when I made some horrible choices due to my Alanon issues. I took the blame for way more than my share. Well enough for tonight I am looking forward to 100 degree weather the fog is driving me nuts.
Grateful
1. My program roots me
2. HP has plans that I don't understand and I don't have to
3. Things are just where they are supposed to be
I am grateful for my life today. Life is good and I am trying to keep it simple.
My life is not boring, I feel that it's quite the opposite. I enjoy learning and creating. It has been challenging this year applying for grants. It has stretched me and at times I feel insecure, old and ready to fuck it all up...
But I guess my HP has other plans for me. I get to show up for myself. It seems odd writing this about myself but my life has gotten clearer.
I have some anxiety about this vacation and the partying that has been mentioned. I have a tool chest with Program written on it, guess I better remember to reach in and use them when things get stuck. For some reason I have suspicions this resort may have some Alanon meetings. If there are no meetings I can set some time aside to create one myself.
My old dear friend C comes also from a long line of heavy drinkers. Her sister has followed in her grandmothers footsteps and drinks daily, she was such a sad girl growing up.
I don't have to fix C's sister P has a HP to take care of her life. I can have a good time and keep my side of the road clean.
These care taking nightmares bring back old memories in the past when I made some horrible choices due to my Alanon issues. I took the blame for way more than my share. Well enough for tonight I am looking forward to 100 degree weather the fog is driving me nuts.
Grateful
1. My program roots me
2. HP has plans that I don't understand and I don't have to
3. Things are just where they are supposed to be
I am grateful for my life today. Life is good and I am trying to keep it simple.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Relaxing with ourselves
It is only when we begin to relax with ourselves as we are that meditation becomes a transformative process. When we relate with ourselves without moralizing, without harshness, without deception, we finally let go of harmful patterns.
Pema Chodron
I had a nice day today. I sold my truck to a friend. This truck was a similar model I drove in Africa, just a basic ride nothing special. But it was a trusted vehicle I knew it would start and get me to where i wanted to go. Over the years I drove it less and less until it became a sculpture. Now it's being driven and my parking is free for my newer car.
The program doesnt work unless you work it kind of like my truck...
it has to be driven to keep the battery going.
Grateful
1. HP has a plan for me
2. Alanon helps me with my thinking
3. this moment helps me remember it is all going to be fine
4. I'm tired ready for sleep
Pema Chodron
I had a nice day today. I sold my truck to a friend. This truck was a similar model I drove in Africa, just a basic ride nothing special. But it was a trusted vehicle I knew it would start and get me to where i wanted to go. Over the years I drove it less and less until it became a sculpture. Now it's being driven and my parking is free for my newer car.
The program doesnt work unless you work it kind of like my truck...
it has to be driven to keep the battery going.
Grateful
1. HP has a plan for me
2. Alanon helps me with my thinking
3. this moment helps me remember it is all going to be fine
4. I'm tired ready for sleep
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Emotions
From moment to moment, we can choose how we relate to our emotions. This power of choice gives us freedom, and it would be crazy not to take advantage of it.
Pema Chodron
Tonight I left the meeting feeling sad, alone rejected. I am tired it was a long day full of work and being on top of it all. One of the women in this Alanon group is very loving and welcoming. I will not forget how she spoke to me when I called her Christmas day. She tries every hard to welcome the newcomers and I feel that.
She cares and the program nurtures her.
But as I was leaving the rooms tonight I also focused on the other woman who has never taken the time to welcome or chat to me. Why am I drawn to these feelings and experiences? It's one way that I relate to the world, my disappointments. They do have validity my feelings of rejections. Yes, she is a very distant person toward me but her actions are not who I am. I can feel many different ways toward this ongoing situatuion with her or I can learn more of who I am with these feelings.
When the teachings tell us to “make friends with our emotions,” they mean to become more attentive and get to know them better. Being ignorant about emotions only makes matters worse; feeling guilty or ashamed of them does the same. Struggling against them is equally nonproductive. The only way to dissolve their power is with our wholehearted, intelligent attention.
I am tired and feeling stressed. This upcoming grant proposal has me feeling anxious. I walk through it one step at a time with the help of my program and my HP.
Gratitude
1. For my Program
2. My Husband and our life together
3. HP has never left
Pema Chodron
Tonight I left the meeting feeling sad, alone rejected. I am tired it was a long day full of work and being on top of it all. One of the women in this Alanon group is very loving and welcoming. I will not forget how she spoke to me when I called her Christmas day. She tries every hard to welcome the newcomers and I feel that.
She cares and the program nurtures her.
But as I was leaving the rooms tonight I also focused on the other woman who has never taken the time to welcome or chat to me. Why am I drawn to these feelings and experiences? It's one way that I relate to the world, my disappointments. They do have validity my feelings of rejections. Yes, she is a very distant person toward me but her actions are not who I am. I can feel many different ways toward this ongoing situatuion with her or I can learn more of who I am with these feelings.
When the teachings tell us to “make friends with our emotions,” they mean to become more attentive and get to know them better. Being ignorant about emotions only makes matters worse; feeling guilty or ashamed of them does the same. Struggling against them is equally nonproductive. The only way to dissolve their power is with our wholehearted, intelligent attention.
I am tired and feeling stressed. This upcoming grant proposal has me feeling anxious. I walk through it one step at a time with the help of my program and my HP.
Gratitude
1. For my Program
2. My Husband and our life together
3. HP has never left
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Happy Joyous and Free
Fourth of July I think back to it as a kid and remember my brothers making home made firecrackers. One particular bomb blew my brothers finger up and it's still crooked.
They were boys having fun blowing up a rock patch. It was sad when my brother hurt himself, he was always hurting himself. He grew up to be an alcoholic and was a member of AA for many years. He currently suffers extreme pain from back surgery. He does not attend meetings anymore but i have to remember taking care of me is all I have to think about.
I love him and trust his higher power has an incredible plan for his life.
Buddhism has added an incredible element to my life in recovery as I have blogged about in the past. Looking over my posts I notice my attention to my problems when I blog and forget to mention some of my better moments.
Problems can be my opportunity for growth and a chance to commit more deeply to my choices.
I feel some of this attention to problems has to do with having a safe place to talk about some of my inner demons, but I also think it has to do with identifying too strongly with my problems. Let go and let god. Am I clinging to life, holding on, feeling as if I have control over it all.
Nice to let in some other aspects of my life into my blog it is also important to have gratitude in my life.
Happy joyous and free. When I turn over my will and my life to a HP it all seems to work out.
Change your thoughts and you change your world. Peale
Gratitude for my life today.
They were boys having fun blowing up a rock patch. It was sad when my brother hurt himself, he was always hurting himself. He grew up to be an alcoholic and was a member of AA for many years. He currently suffers extreme pain from back surgery. He does not attend meetings anymore but i have to remember taking care of me is all I have to think about.
I love him and trust his higher power has an incredible plan for his life.
Buddhism has added an incredible element to my life in recovery as I have blogged about in the past. Looking over my posts I notice my attention to my problems when I blog and forget to mention some of my better moments.
Problems can be my opportunity for growth and a chance to commit more deeply to my choices.
I feel some of this attention to problems has to do with having a safe place to talk about some of my inner demons, but I also think it has to do with identifying too strongly with my problems. Let go and let god. Am I clinging to life, holding on, feeling as if I have control over it all.
Nice to let in some other aspects of my life into my blog it is also important to have gratitude in my life.
Happy joyous and free. When I turn over my will and my life to a HP it all seems to work out.
Change your thoughts and you change your world. Peale
Gratitude for my life today.
I had a nice day today despite myself. At first I felt frantic and old feelings arose as they do most weekends, I am alone in the world and so misunderstood.
This I do believe is one of the trademarks I hear in the rooms. Alone. Loneliness.
In my desperation one night I Googled "loneliness" and found a wonderful Buddhist monk chatting on the subject...Looks like I am not alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fb4IYpKYRA
Does this have to do with my expectations of what I want the world to be?
Looking for some person place or thing to fill me up is not going to fill up the void.
To take care of myself I drove to a farmers market and bought some beautiful fresh almonds.
Green furry skins with a crunchy almond inside. The feelings disappeared as the day progressed.
A woman author I admire wrote to experience something new at least once week. This for me keeps me alive and in the beauty life has to offer. Today I got to set my problems aside and let some wonder slide into my life.
This I do believe is one of the trademarks I hear in the rooms. Alone. Loneliness.
In my desperation one night I Googled "loneliness" and found a wonderful Buddhist monk chatting on the subject...Looks like I am not alone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fb4IYpKYRA
Does this have to do with my expectations of what I want the world to be?
Looking for some person place or thing to fill me up is not going to fill up the void.
To take care of myself I drove to a farmers market and bought some beautiful fresh almonds.
Green furry skins with a crunchy almond inside. The feelings disappeared as the day progressed.
A woman author I admire wrote to experience something new at least once week. This for me keeps me alive and in the beauty life has to offer. Today I got to set my problems aside and let some wonder slide into my life.
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Annie
