Just for Today

Gratitude

2012-01-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Feelings aren't facts.
Today I woke up to a beautiful day. But I felt so out of sorts I wanted someone to help me get through it...I found the perfect person to disappoint me to set up the expectation...Y my husband and begin the resentment. This is my disease.

We have large shrubs that need chopping, I wanted help at that second. He did not want to help me. Bingo My feelings began. One overwhelming feeling was loneliness, disappointment and then the run began...wanting to escape. This was my childhood coping mechanism the need to run from the home, run from me, run from them, run from society. So I took a walk and as it progressed a realization occurred. How do I take care of me ? What would make me feel nurtured?
The fact is sometimes I really don't know what I could do to take care of me.
Odd really I have alot of hobbies, friends, etc. but these are just filler.
Sitting with myself in meditation gives me the most serenity. Accepting me just where I am in all my humanness. The program is what has given me freedom.
Tremendous gratitude for this life and the ability to recognize it.

Gratitude List
1st Column: What are you grateful for in the relationship with yourself?

One thing every day for 90 days.
Sample: In my relationship with myself I am grateful for my health..

2nd Column: What are you grateful for in the relationship with my addict in recovery.
One thing every day for 90 days.
Sample: In my relationship with Sam I am grateful that he is in AA.

3rd Column: What are you grateful for in general?

Five things every day for 90 days.
Sample: Today I am grateful for having God in my life.
Today I am grateful for my Al-Anon program.
Today I am grateful for my life.
Today I am grateful for my family.
Today I am grateful for my serenity.

Do this exercise every day for 90 days. After 90 days you will have a list of 630 things that you are indeed grateful for and you will also have started to really appreciate everything in your life. Never duplicate anything. I guarantee that you will feel a shift in your behaviors and attitudes.

Gratitude makes us more patient, kinder and humble people.

It’s my experience that gratitude helped me to finally do my third step and that is to surrender my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.

Life

2012-01-17T09:37:00.000-08:00

In the past many of us learned to make choices strictly on the basis of our feelings, as if feelings were facts.
Part of Alanon recovery involves learning that feelings arent facts. I am a complex fascinating human being with a wide range
of emotions, experiences and thoughts. There is more to my identity than one feeling or another, one problem or another. I am a wealth of contradictions. I can value all of my feelings without letting them dictate my actions.

Today I can feel anger toward someone and still love them. I can feel afraid of new experiences, yet move forward through them.
I can survive being hurt without giving up on love. And I can experience sadness and still be confident that I will be happy again.

This reading says so much to me. Alanon allows me to experience a new freedom and happiness.
In the past feelings meant so much to me although I was frozen and could not feel most of them. It has taken years to unearth how I feel in some areas. Slowly more is revealed.

I am alive, I have this precious human life. I am not going to waste it. Dalai Lama

Transforming

2012-01-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

Nice walk along the ocean again tonight. We have sunny days here almost swimsuit weather. The sunsets linger spreading orange across the sky. Walked right near the edge where the water and beach meet. Felt at peace with myself. Trying to focus on what is working in my life.

Came home to get ready for a storytelling event. Got dressed plopped in my car drove downtown to be told it was sold out. Oh well there is always plenty of things to do here at night. I drove to a new non profit cafe, ate a lovely pear and blueberry galette. An old time bluegrass band played in the corner. Things just worked out well tonight.

I have picked up "The Joy of Living." The author Rinpoche Yonguey has done extensive research on happiness. Transforming obstacles into attributes...one of it's side lines. There is often a gap between thoughts, that gap is the experience of the complete openness of natural mind. It's all material for supporting out meditation.

Feeling at ease
nice feeling

2012-01-11T22:55:00.000-08:00

Showing up

2012-01-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

Wonderful day today went to GG center for a dharma talk by RB.
The morning light was golden along the ocean with clouds of pollen filling the air.
We desperately need rain on the West Coast.

An old classmate contacted me asking for a ride to the center. S-C is such a lovely woman an accomplished international artist. As the day progressed she thanked me several times for encouraging her to attend the meditation talks. I was able to hear it and take in the compliment. It had been thirty years since she attended this speakers lectures. Today I could be present for myself. The talk was rich, wide and funny.

This is the program working for me. I have gratitude for my willingness to show up for this precious human life.

”[i} And in his book Being Upright, the Zen priest Tenshin Reb Anderson employs the same verb to describe the practice of zazen:

For a sentient being to practice the ultimate good means not to move. How do you realize not moving? By fully settling into all aspects of your experience: your feelings and your perceptions. Not moving means to be fully congruent with yourself. You go down to the bottom of your experience, as all Buddha ancestors have done, and enter the proverbial green dragon’s cave. Graciously and gently, you encourage yourself to fully inhabit your body, speech, and thought. You may even command yourself to be obedient to yourself, and to come all the way in and sit down.[ii]

“Although no one issues the invitation,” Anderson further explains, we “invite the self into the self.” As both “host and guest of the self,” we fully inhabit our experience.

Time to do some work before I go to bed.

Laughter

2012-01-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

Listening to Tom Waits he reminds me of some of the characters that my Dad would drink with at his bar, The Corner Club. One of the lines he mentioned made me laugh at this crazy life. " Watched a pimp feedin ice cream to a dog," Tom Waits sings.
Glad I can laugh at life. Still have of memories floating from the Holidays past and present and I unfortunately attach to some of them. Working the steps, letting go.
What do I choose to focus on? Laughing at it all right now.

Last night I attended a great 12 step Buddhist meeting focused on suffering. Everything can be an opportunity for growth. Watching... suffering... using it as a lesson. I can sometimes drown in my suffering, there is my fear swirling into a whirlpool down stream. Listening to C eloquently unravel this feeling was a relief. When you live a life of practice everything is grist for the mill. This is so beautiful that I have choices and so does everyone else who works a program.

My sponsees have been calling, texting and emailing. They couldn't call when the problem was fresh, during the holidays. This is a disease of isolation.
I too find that when it gets bad I want to retreat into my disease model. When I reach out this helps shift the patterns. The old voices go something like this, No one will understand, I am alone,and so on and so on...

Feeling good tonight.Just for tonight............

9th & Hennepin

Well, it's 9th and Hennepin
All the donuts have names that sound like prostitutes
And the moon's teeth marks are on the sky
Like a tarp thrown all over this
And the broken umbrellas are like dead birds
And the steam comes out of the grill
Like the whole goddam town is ready to blow
And the bricks(3) are all scarred with jailhouse tattoos
And everyone is behaving like dogs

And the horses are coming down Violin Road
And Dutch is dead on his feet(4)
And all the rooms they smell like diesel
And you take on the dreams of the ones who have slept there
And I'm lost in the window
And I hide in the stairway
And I hang in the curtain
And I sleep in your hat

And no one brings anything small into a bar

Loving compassion

2012-01-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

"Hatred will never cease by Hatred." a well known phrase by the Buddha

Met with an old friend today she has given me troubles over the years.
Maybe this was the lesson she passed on by forcing me to look deeper at myself.
Opportunities for growth changing my victim attitude.

Today I had a deep chat with her regarding our friendship. I feel that at times I play the game and discount our friendship during the Holidays. This does not feel right to me working a program and trying to continue with right actions.

She mentioned she does not feel comfortable being around me when I dont drink.
I understood this but felt it this view was a cop out on other behaviors than were being acknowledged. I changed the game today talking about my feelings in a loving compassionate way.

It was enlightening she did not know how to react when I moved the perspective.
The plan is she is a perpetrator and I am the victim and vice versa. The board game is old and tiring for me today. Loving us both in an uncomfortable place feels ok for tonight.

The three roles of the Drama Triangle are the three main positions that unhappy families play as described by transactional therapist, Stephen Karpman in 1968. The three roles are Perpetrator, rescuer and Victim that operate to keep people in the illusion of power. The roles incorporate learned patterns of habit and control mechanisms that bond people together in sick ways. They are symbiotic, destructive behaviors that affect all members of the family.

Karpman drew these roles on an inverted triangle with the Persecutor (whose behavior ranges from the dominant one to the abuser in the family) and the Rescuer at the upper end of the triangle and the Victim at the bottom. The two positions at the top are considered the “one-up” positions where the people feel superior while the Victim is at the “one-down” position feeing looked down on and helplessness. The positions often shift as people change emotions to protect the ego which feels threatened. The Victim may become angry at the injustice of being persecuted, thereby shifting into the Perpetrator role. The Abuser may become tired with his angry barrage then feel guilty and shift into the rescuing role.

These roles are unconscious scripts of how unhealthy family life is played out that keep people disconnected from true intimacy. They manifest in behaviors that people engage in to distance and disconnect from each other. They are the ways people attempt to stay safe, feel important and stroke their own egos. Participating in the drama of the triangle keeps people stuck in lies, blame and shame, unhealthy secrets, “shoulds” and addictions to crisis, chaos and manipulation.

I always feel

2011-12-31T22:58:00.001-08:00

by JEFF GUNDY

I’ve decided that I’m religious but not spiritual.
— Gregory Wolfe

I always feel more religious in the sunshine,
especially if it’s not hot and the place is pretty
and most people can’t afford to get there or just
don’t bother. Morning has broken and all that.
And so the rattle of rain on the tarp doesn’t really
make me count my blessings, the stray drops
beading my borrowed rain pants don’t bring
me bliss, the fact of fewer mosquitoes
than yesterday does not make my heart leap up.
But I know that one day I must learn
to give up for good on getting dry,
to love the hiss of water meeting water,
the gray lake accepting the gray rain,
so little between them, our slender place
between the great sky and the stones.
Hold tight, I tell my heart, here we go.

Good night to 2011

2011-12-31T22:29:00.000-08:00

Things were nice tonight ...calm and serene. Detaching with love.
When I can practice this act all else follows as it's supposed to.
But I attach out of fear I suppose wanting things to be different between us.
HP has plans for me I don't have to figure it all out.

Before we left for the restaurant I had a chat with Y. What do you think we could do differently to enjoy ourselves tonight? I asked him. He threw me some bait and I didnt bite. No really lets make a plan to enjoy ourselves. He agreed eventually.. to set aside his differences for New Years. A plan was made but I knew it could change and turn as life does. Then we had the driving episode come up. Do you like to drive yourself or can we ride together? He asked that I drive slow and he would be Ok..
I drove slow.
The dinner was wonderful! It wasn't a loud place it was muffled conversations with smells of good things cooking.

The desert was a buttermilk pana cotta. Smooth and soft with subtle blended flavors.

2 tablespoons water
1 1/2 teaspoons unflavored gelatin
Nonstick vegetable oil spray

1 cup whipping cream
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon peel
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups buttermilk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Assorted frozen berries (such as blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries), thawed

I was present and enjoyed myself through the entire meal.

This week I prayed for him at night, I also prayed for myself during the Holidays.
Opportunities for growth is what came to mind as the evening progressed.
Life has much to offer if I can practice patience and compassion.
One day at a timer for tonight

Good night 2011 ...

This year we lost Gil Scott Heron - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

2011-12-31T22:15:00.000-08:00

Unpleasant things

2011-12-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

I had a full day today met with a friend and her two children. The museum was packed but the kids did pretty well.
Every holiday I try to make an effort to spend time with the girls. I have fond memories of events I did with my
relatives on the holidays. But there are also the horrible memories of drunken violence. This often happened during the joyful season....Oh my the past. I no longer have to dwell on it.

I jumped on the carousel after the museum. It went spinning around the girls were laughing. Watching them laugh and have fun
with simple pleasures is enjoyable. The fog rolled in later in the day chilling us back into our homes.

As the evening wore on Y came home talking of work. Most of the time at night I wont talk with him about his work. All he engages in is work till around 12 at night and then he collapses. He has started a new business which is taking time to make profits.
Being around him these days is difficult. It is like walking on broken glass entering near his world.
Tonight he began one of his rages. I wasn't able to detach and had to leave the home before things got ugly.
I am praying for myself tonight and him. His behavior forces me to work my program deeper.
This is not who I am the insults he throws at me. It's embarrassing to write this on my blog but this is where I am at in life.
back to step One....I am powerless. What choice do I have in this situation? I feel sicker than the qualifier tonight
Practice compassion for where I am.

Worrying now about New Years Eve and his antics during the Holidays. Let go let god

Gratitude
1. HP is there for me
2. Alanon will never abandon me
3. I have tools

The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it.
Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth?

Good Times

2011-12-25T22:24:00.000-08:00

Oh my Holiday Times

2011-12-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

Space Santas

2011-12-24T23:16:00.000-08:00

I was told a pink package was dropped off at my front door....and oh they are driving a white car. It was our lovely translator dropping off organic foods. She has been through so much this year with the death of her husband but still retains a positive attitude. I called her early in the morning to thank her. We met for a walk along the ocean the crab boats were out. The markers were bobbing up and down on the waters.

N took me to T's favorite place where he practiced his tai chi. She had made a small circle of pine cones in his memory.
The sun was bright the wind had a chill it was beautiful. We sat in silence I thought of T and his long eight year battle with cancer.
Life is so short.

It was a full day some of it was wonderful other parts as the day wore on were challenging. I am choosing to remember both
sides instead of focusing on what didn't work. I enjoy the night of christmas. A fire is crackling in the living room. The trees lights blink off and on as space santa ornament waves Merry Christmas to the world!

Merry Christmas everyone! One day at a time
Got to get going on the chocolate cake for tomorrow.

Do your work then step back

2011-12-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining and the city is clearing out. I love the streets that were once full are now empty. Neighbors can be seen filling cars up with things to take the post or to leave town. I watch from the window as a semi loaded with drywall beeps down the street. I hope that no one close with be remodeling this Holiday. Nothing worse than hearing the bangs of hammers during days of rest.

It seems this time of year is a struggle for me. It is much calmer than before I have tools to help me get through the hard edges.
My husband is working non stop HP has a plan for him. I keep the focus on myself. Detach with love is my holiday mantra.

An Alanon friend has invited me to their home for Christmas. I will bring my flour-less chocolate cake. It is one of my favorites, dense and chocolaty. They will make prime rib. Makes me laugh these are also my Zen friends and meat is such a no no...
Rules and regulations don't work well for addicts most of the time. Grateful for my life it is whizzing by .......

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.
Laozi

Oh yes Holidays

2011-12-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

The Holiday is going smooth so far. Today I felt a sinking feeling and sadness enter into the day. I have no plans for Christmas day. Is this so bad? Well in some ways no it is just another day in the year. There are many expectations that I have attached to the Holidays. I want to be invited to friends homes and be together.
This doesn't happen too many years. Why doesn't this happen for me?
In the past I made dinners and had people over. I wanted the Holidays to change and be invited to a home, and it has some years. In the past we sometimes went to a friend's home and celebrated. The last time I went to his home he was snorting cocaine and drinking bottles of wine. This also is not how I want to spend the Holidays.
Wanting something else. This is where I also feel my Alanon issue lies in being uncomfortable with me. What can I do to take care of myself?

I have time to plan something for Y and I. He is working nonstop. This weekend was a work all weekend kind of weekend. The Holidays are when Y works the most. I would like to be with him but he cant be there for himself. I am not responsible for his happiness.
HP has a plan for him.
I am not God
I dont have to feel alone the program is always there for me.
Turning it over to Hp for right now

Compassion

2011-12-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

Incredible day at the Z Center with a dear teacher. We sat all day from 9:30-5:00P
All day watching the brain chatter. It is such a learning tool to not attach to the
lanes it wants to take me down...lots of worry talk
I try to have compassion where I am at. My teacher mentions this frequently.
My mind starts to focus on what is not working in my life. It wants to keep the old way alive. The old part of me the worried child still waiting for a catastrophe to occur at any time. Today I have tools and choices. But for most of my life I was a reactor. Being mindful is a new freedom.

Compassion
The Buddha taught that to realize enlightenment, a person must develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are sometimes compared to two wings that work together to enable flying, or two eyes that work together to see deeply.

I sat with my teacher on a one to one conversation. It was frightening to have someone be so present for me. He looked deeply at me it was very uncomfortable.
I can handle distraction but to bring in someone who is willing to show up
is unusual. So grateful I walked through it all and showed up for myself.

I’ve been told—but I don’t know for sure—that you’re like me. If I could speak for you, I would say that you have a deep longing for oneness, a deep urge to return to your original face before your parents were born. Reb Anderson GGulch

This quote just about sums up the day.

Tis the Season

2011-12-15T23:01:00.001-08:00

Wonderful meeting tonight. I sat outside the church talking to a friend about giving to organizations in particular. In Buddhism they call this dana giving without attachment.
I have been volunteering my professional services to the Z Center. At times I will ask also for donations as restaurant coupons, I accept this exchange and enjoy being at the center. A big job is coming up and I asked for a coupon for the job as I have volunteered quite a few days to the center.
Well this has stirred the pot my co worker has informed Buddhism involves dana and I should look at my motives. Well this doesn't sit right with me. They ask for monies but yet ask me to evaluate my motives. This will require some discussion. This is an opportunity for growth in my life. In the past I would have caved in but not today this is an important shift for me speaking up. Grant me the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Tis the Season but i like to investigate my feelings around this issue.

2011-12-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

Each moment

2011-12-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

Waking up early for a shoot one of the last before our lead character has her baby. She is still working seven days a week
only days before her child will be born. They have to work many hours as they are living on the edge.
We are working hard to bring her story to a one hour piece. This will be challenging and take time.
I do the footwork and turn the rest over to God.

As i get ready to leave for the early shoot old rock music plays in the background. I remember some of the songs but it was difficult times for me as a teenager. Today I have alot more serenity in my life. My parents were in the thicks of their disease.
My mothers lovers were circling waiting for the chance moments to be alone with her. I was stumbling through high school
grateful to have some good art teachers.

Just for today I count my breath from one to ten and sink into my body. When I am present for myself all else falls in place.
I have alot of tools today to help guide me. My attitude is also a part of my plan I have choices.
I can deal with situations that in the past used to baffle me.

Grateful
1. Love my life through my connection with HP
2. To have health and a great medical program in my city
3. husband who tries his best
4. In each moment I have a choice to be present for myself
5. The season is on me and I am enjoying it!

Some days

2011-12-04T22:15:00.000-08:00

Beautiful day here with difficult moments. Recently one of my brothers reached out to me with some kind words. I called him to chat as I crossed a long bridge over the Pacific. It was not a good call in fact it was a shame and blame dump. He is very dismissive of my career after I have spent twenty years creating some pretty good pieces. Other words were deposited over the phone and I became defensive. But in the end I did feel like I did keep some serenity. It is up to me to practice my program and decline their offers of Alcoholic thinking.

I called a friend today very upset with the conversation. She replied you must be ready to deal with some of these issues. This response actually makes sense to me. In the program everything can be treated as a spiritual lesson. I trust the universe has a plan for me. Working my program is the best gift I can give to the myself and others. I see with some clarity how I allow myself to get drawn into others problems.

I forget to mention this conversation took place after an incredible Zen Dharma talk.
The speaker spoke of the love he received from his teacher. He cried and I too cried with him they were tears of joy. I don't cry that easy but he was so present and sincere that I was moved. The center is a beauteous gift so close to my home.

Quote from Suzuki Roshi
“When you become yourself then Zen becomes Zen.”

Tonight I will pray for my brother. I pray for myself also. It would be nice to have compassion for myself and our difficult relationship at times. He was very mistreated as a child. There are choices I can make to take care of myself when he gets abusive toward me.

Gratitude
1. I can feel love for myself and others-
2. My peace of mind does not depend on what others think of me
3. HP has a plan for everyone
4. I can let go and relax to take care of myself

Regarding, “We should be like a boatman,” in Shobogenzo Zenki (Undivided Activity), Dogen states (Tanahashi and Brown translation):

Birth is just like riding in a boat. You raise the sails and you steer. Although you maneuver the sail and the pole, the boat gives you a ride, and without the boat you couldn’t ride. But you ride in the boat and your riding makes the boat what it is. Investigate a moment such as this. At just such a moment, there is nothing but the world of the boat. The sky, the water, and the shore are all the boat’s world, which is not the same as a world that is not the boat’s. Thus, you make birth what it is, you make birth your birth.

When you ride in a boat, your body and mind and the environs together are the undivided activity of the boat. The entire earth and the entire sky are both the undivided activity of the boat. Thus, birth is nothing but you; you are nothing but birth.

Gratitude

2011-11-30T09:57:00.001-08:00

Grateful
1. Ability to reach out and trust there is a HP
2. For my precious human life
3. My program
4. The incredible city I live in
5. My husband and his love toward me

Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

HP has a plan

2011-11-29T09:35:00.001-08:00

Letting Go. Today it's foggy the neighbors are putting on a new roof. I watch as the crew scrapes off years of tar leaving the wood bare. Its interesting to watch it being remade the rolls of tar paper, heat torches and new chimneys. My father taught me to appreciate the art of watching and appreciating construction. He was an engineer and would stop at many sights to watch bridges, roads and buildings be constructed. I miss him. He had tremendous struggles in his life and was not an easy man to be around when he was drinking.

My project is going along at a fast pace right now. Lots of shooting, last minute calls and cameras to be prepped. We have worked hard on this project watching near it's end and begin another phase causes some anxiety. This might have to do with control issues on my part and fear of the future. Practicing my program around these issues is key. Turning over to HP and do the footwork. Trusting the future will unfold as the universe has planned. I am not God. Let Go and Let God

Gratitude
1. HP has a plan
2. I cannot control others
3. My life is full
4. My new hydrangea bushes are looking healthy
5. My home is warm and cozy

Turning it over

2011-11-27T09:47:00.000-08:00

Cold day the ocean is reflecting back a large chunk of sun.
The relatives have left for home at 9:30A and should make it to LA by 2:30.
It was nice spending time with them.
I admire their willingness to be a part of the family.
The boy's father passed away this year from affects of a serious drug addiction.
He was a highly functioning doctor he had his choice of drugs and most days took advantage of this opportunity.
Due to visa problems the boy could not attend his fathers funeral. My father crossed the RR tracks and was killed by a train on the day I left for Eritrea.
My first documentary project going solo. It took months to plan the film as the country had been involved in an ongoing thirty year war. There was no internet at that time it was very time consuming to plan. I too could not attend my fathers funeral but his image visited me in dreams in Asmara. I found his image comforting it gave me relief to dialog with him in my unconscious life. Today I can still recall his image from those talks. He wore a tuxedo and looked so handsome. He was sober the last ten years of his life. My struggles have added to my life it all depends on the perspective I choose to take. Some of my gifts have taken me down to depths of self but this led me to Alanon, and meditation.

M is a caring person I look at him and remember the struggles I had at his age.
His mother is the martyr which also disturbs me knowing this scenario as my mother jumped on the poor me vehicle. Again I need to stay out of detailing his problems.
Keep the focus on myself. HP is there for him and will never leave his inner most self.

It has been a few days since I have been to a meeting. Looks like I need to get
myself into the rooms and receive some experience, strength and hope.

I once viewed my life as a victim and was powerless over what life dealt me.Today I know I have choices and a tool box that is with me no matter what happens.
My program has enriched my view on life, I am a wider deeper person. Turning it over the HP. Going to get ready for a brunch.

"When it gets dark enough you can see the stars" Charles Beard

Take care

2011-11-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sit with myself all guests have left. For the first time in years I had a nice Thanksgiving. We hosted the dinner relatives came from LA to join us.
They are nice kids I enjoy their company.
The girl has some anxiety issues that are pretty severe she goes into spins mostly in the morning. She jumps around arranging the day asking very detailed questions. I dont feel well today so I also began to spin with her. It was natural for me to detach which shocked me and I was able to take care of myself.

I am grateful for my program
Off to sleep

Sitting by the fire

2011-11-25T23:20:00.000-08:00

Tonight I sit by the fire. We had a peaceful Thanksgiving. This is one of the gifts of the program and I am grateful.

Just fine

2011-11-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

Wishing all a peace filled Holiday Season!
Had a wonderful day today despite my little disappointments.
Life is just fine this second.
Enjoyed Pema's wisdome before I joined the sleepers.

2011-11-23T00:55:00.000-08:00

Dry Drunk

2011-11-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

Woke up to a slow steady rain, fog surrounded the hills. We need water the garden is drinking it up in gulps. Turned on the stove for the espresso pot to boil up the ethiopian drink of the day. My life was calm the committee began with it's wake up calls, I counted my breaths. I tried not to attach to the insanity that took place in my brain. This is one of my big struggles for the past year my negative self talk. Surrender to HP and trust, I also do the footwork despite myself.
And yes I try to keep a good sense of humor and laugh.
I don't have to figure it out there are tools to be used just for this purpose. The program surrounds me guiding me through the day.

I headed out to a meeting first thing to begin the day. A newcomer shared his pain of living without drugs and alchohl. He is filled with rage he mentions. As his share progressed he mentioned a sponsor is not in his plans or working the 12 steps.
I make sure to turn around to take a look at this fellow, it must be painful to run on a dry drunk.
How do I know? Well I traveled the same halls for a few years willing myself sober every day.

ANALYSIS OF DRY DRUNK BEHAVIOR The alcoholic who rationalizes their own irresponsible behavior are also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of others.

It's important to be patient with others and myself. I am a perfectionist and in the past would judge others at times harshly.
The more I work a program the better able I can take care of myself.

Grateful

2011-11-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

1. My HP is there for me 24/7
2. There is a plan trust it and - surrender
3. My camera is incredible and my shoulder mount was a great price
4. Most of the time - It's not about me
5. Husband is sleeping peacefully

I can push gratitude, and within a very short time, feel as I do writing this - hugely grateful for all my blessings.
TAAF

Grateful

2011-11-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

1. For the ability to let go and trust there is a plan in the universe
2. 12 steps help to guide me through my day
3. I don't have to react to others One day at a time
4. There is a Zen Center Farm near my home and today a dharma talk
5. The tea I make is just right for the early morning

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” — Buddha

Grateful

2011-11-12T22:42:00.000-08:00

1. Had a wonderful day despite some negative committee lingo
2. My life is pretty good
3. Love my home it is comfortable, warm and clean
4. My garden is thriving
5. Enjoyed an art show next door, very talented youngsters
Liking some cartoon art

What Was Told, That
by Jalal al-Din Rumi
translated by Coleman Barks

What was said to the rose that made it open was said
to me here in my chest.

What was told the cypress that made it strong
and straight, what was

whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made
sugarcane sweet, whatever

was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in
Turkestan that makes them

so handsome, whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush
like a human face, that is

being said to me now. I blush. Whatever put eloquence in
language, that's happening here.

The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,
chewing a piece of sugarcane,

in love with the one to whom every that belongs!

Grateful

2011-11-10T09:49:00.001-08:00

1. There is a plan in the universe
2. For this day it is perfectly beautiful in it's day like qualities
3. I have been given a curious nature
4. my husband
5. For my new espresso pot it makes a great cup of coffee

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

Grateful

2011-11-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

1. HP watches over all peoples including myself
2. Beautiful morning and it's warm sun
3. The program is always there for me even when I cant be there for myself
4. My living wall is growing and thriving
5. For friends love and support

A simple grateful thought turned heavenwards is the most perfect prayer.
Doris Lessing

Gratitude

2011-11-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

Gratitude

1. Given this precious human body
2. That I can show up for my life by working a program
3. Can sit with my feelings in meditation
4. Mindfully respond to the moment
5. My husband is a separate being that HP watches over

“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

2011-11-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

Iron Skillets

2011-11-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

Woke up early had trouble sleeping last night. I counted my breathe to ease the anxiety. Not sure what was brewing in me but things didn't seem to mix well for a good nights sleep. The early morning brought some relief but oh then the committee started in. I reached into my bag of tools and pulled out the detach and turn it over to Hp wrench. It took some extra lovin to ease into the day.

The zen center was first on my stops. I sat near a friend who also works a 12 step program. He went into great detail about his facebook post of a potato gratin dish.
I tried to engage by bringing in my love of the iron skillet. They are an under rated
pan a treasure from the past.
Engaging in fellowship takes me out of myself. The room was full of frowning mediators sitting to try and make things right with their world.
These days I try and upturn my mouth when I meditate. Intention. Attitude of Gratitude.

The talk was on FEAR. I listened carefully but my mind was like a wild monkey thoughts came and went.
I fantasized about a work situation. Things are going well with my company but there are challenging moments. My breath brought me back into the moment. A young monk who sat in front of me was attractive, his robes looked like he might have surfed in them this morning.

This was my day time moved along I traveled through it. My life was comfortable today. This precious human life I was given had some serenity. Tonight is peaceful.
Rain pounds against the window music from the radio moves through my bedroom.

Gifts of the program turning it over to HP

2011-11-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

Went to an arts center for dinner tonight. It is an incredible deal with fresh food, artists, and a beautiful location. The night was warm the sky was full of stars.
I enjoyed myself it is nice to go out meet up with a good friend.
When I stay in the moment life seems to turn out fine whatever happens it works itself out.

Turning

2011-10-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight I sat with myself in meditation. It felt nice to be present for myself before jumping into a trick or treat session with my three year old nephew. This is his first year in the United States. He is a cute boy I turn over alot to HP worrying about him.
Keep the focus on myself and not what they need to do for him.
He had alot of fun tonight dressed as a pirate, superman, spyderman.

Earlier I also listened to a Zen lecture regarding a Sejiki ceremony.
It has been a nice holiday thanks to the program I can sit more with my feelings.
Sejiki is a traditional Japanese Zen Buddhist ceremony for the spirits of departed ones. This powerful ceremony summons forth all restless spirits and pacifies agitation and violence within and without. It includes a reading of the names of close friends and family members who have died.

2011-10-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

Apples

2011-10-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

The sun warmed up the morning. I watched my garden thinking of fall plantings that need to get in the ground.
Birds ate seeds at a feeder while a hummingbird buzzed a bottle brush tree.
My apple tree is such a lovely jewel producing fruit each year. There are a few apples I left on the branches for further ripening.
Every McIntosh apple has a direct lineage to a single tree discovered in 1811 by John McIntosh on his farm in Dundela, a hamlet near Morrisburg, in Dundas County, Ontario, Canada.

I remembered a strong dream, it was clear full of messages. It involved friends that had disappointed me with their behaviors.
I felt compassion toward the women in the dream. They were similar in action to my mother.
Maybe someday I can find more forgiveness toward her. I am working on this issue in the program. It would be a lie to write i have forgiven her when this is not the case as of today.

I don't have to run though with this feeling. It is one of many feelings that I have it is not ruling my night. The boat is not heading down into the river of darkness and sorrow. This is really an incredible freedom given to me by working a program. I can watch these thoughts come and go. I do wish my mother a wonderful life full of peace. I wish myself a peaceful life. May all beings be happy may they live in peace and harmony.

Time for bed
Tired.

Purple

2011-10-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Happiness

2011-10-22T21:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am sitting with myself reading and listening to lectures on TED.
My class on Happiness at the Zen Center is forcing me to reach out and investigate for class work.The title itself annoys me...I told the teacher I am leery of Happiness.
I listen to Matthieu Ricard it fascinates me to learn more about mind training. Alanon has helped pave the road to a new way of being with myself. The pure consciousness that lies under each human before it is covered over to deal with the world. Showing up for my life and doing the footwork all else follows.
Classes stretch my life.

Today I went swimming with my dear friend of many years. She brought her boyfriend, the Alcoholic along. As time progresses with her Alcoholic boyfriend she is more difficult to be around. The rage shoots out of her mouth. Yet today I called her and wanted to spend the day with her.
It is frustrating listening to her talk negatively to her boyfriend. Alanon is a progressive disease, I see it in myself and today in her.
My part in this is I know my friend is suffering from the disease. She is choosing not to get help for her life. I have a choice to continue to be her friend and set boundaries for myself or I can choose not to be around her anymore.

What boundaries can I set?

I practice compassion for myself as I watch a dear friend turn into a demonic monster from to the disease of Alcoholism. I will turn it over to HP tonight. Everyone has a HP -she he it- will watch over her just as they watch over me.

Matthieu Ricard
Consciousness is like a mirror that allows all images to rise on it. You can have ugly faces, beautiful faces in the mirror. The mirror allows that, but the mirror is not tainted, is not modified, is not altered by those images. Likewise, behind every single thought there is the bare consciousness, pure awareness.
So, because the basic fabric of consciousness is this pure cognitive quality that differentiates it from a stone, there is a possibility for change because all emotions are fleeting.

Lobster salad

2011-10-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Accept Yourself

2011-10-15T22:27:00.001-07:00

Began the day with a nice cup of ethiopian espresso, made at home. I jumped into my car to pick up media to deliver to a client. This client N has become a friend of mine, last month her husband passed from cancer. As all this delivering was whizzing by in my life the sky turned blue the sun began to glitter through the few remaining clouds.
It has been challenging sorting, scanning and placing photos of T for his memorial. I knew T when he was barely able to create sentences his vibrant life has been swept away by cancer.
After the delivery I had to troubleshoot the electronics to assure everything would go smooth. Things did not proceed as planned most times they don't with new equipment. Her parents, dog and brother in law were swirling around us as I tried to keep an order to the troubleshooting. Hours passed and in the end it all seemed to work out we will see what unfolds tomorrow.

What does the program teach me when dealing with death, expectations, and worry...Turn it over sister to HP before another negative feeling emerges to add fire. My business partner is one on the bonfire I forgot to mention. Feelings are not facts.
I like to step back and let god take care of me tonight. Yes I am repeating myself I still mistrust the universe holds me in a loving caring manner.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

This too shall pass

2011-10-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

Returned last night from ten days in New York. I enjoyed my time staying with friends and relatives. Fall is a time of melancholy for me life is moving in a new direction. I sat in the warm sun many times being present for myself with not much tripping into the past or future. This is the beauty of vacations some time of rest both emotionally and physically. My minds chatter seemed less by not having it's key to begin the committee sessions.
Going to an Alanon meeting in New York was rewarding knowing the program is there for me when I reach out.
Gazing around the room I noticed a woman from meetings out west. Nice to see familiar faces.

I like to also believe working my program has brought me moments of serenity and I am able to feel it.
Gratitude for my life and the deepening and widening of my emotional self.

My friend and I are still working through a dark patch but I trust the universe has a plan for both of us.

Fall Season back East

2011-10-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

Turning it over

2011-09-22T08:56:00.001-07:00

Speaking too soon on a blog about how things were going well for me. Yesterday I was feeling productive but had a slight migraine which turned bad towards the middle of the day. I took a pill which cured the pain and this allowed me to go out to dinner with a new acquaintance. I felt fragile physically though but didn't want to let her down. We've had so many broken dinner dates. We sat outside a restaurant she suggested which was closed. I mentioned to her doesn't look like it is opening
maybe we should check the sign? We walked across the street to another restaurant.

There was an uncomfortable edge through the meal, she was high I believe. Then she mentioned a planned vacation with a good friend of mine, this vacation break was also suggested to me. I began to feel rejected, unworthy, and less than on many levels now I realize. 1. She was high and really wasn't present. 2. Maybe I shouldn't have gone when I wasn't feeling up to par. Learning to take care of myself is important. I begin to feel sorry for myself and retreat into a world of self pity. This spiral is very painful full of horrible torturing reruns. There are program tools to help guide me.

This morning writing about my night helps give me relief. Sitting in mediation might be in the works. Learning to have compassion for where I am at in recovery is healing. Turning my will and my life over to HP. We will know a new freedom and happiness. It is rewarding and difficult to wake up to my life in a new way. Turning with life a sufi dancer....

Pema Chodron

Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have.

Dzigar Kongtrül: That’s quite right. Your attitude in the moment will determine whether you use the experience to manifest positive qualities or enhance your negativity.

To have positive attitudes under negative circumstances undercuts the power of the negative circumstances. Rather than falling down and then trying to get up again out of desperation, only to slip on the same thing, except harder, you can take a positive attitude toward your suffering and pain. The problem is that when you are hit with pain, it is so easy to act automatically. So, you need to go through a little bit of a withdrawal process, to learn to simply be with the experience rather than react or try to fix it. Once you get some strength to just be with the experience, then the experience of the pain will begin to lose some of its solidity and power, which gives you a chance to reorganize your whole mind. In the end, you might actually come to appreciate the pain.

This is written by a master but what it gives me is a new approach to deal with negative feelings. Feelings are not Facts.

Giving rise to peace

2011-09-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

Had a full day at the Zen Center retreat. It was a beautiful fall day, sunny and warm.
Sitting with a room full of women in silence is rewarding and challenging. My mind clings to the annoying one in the room.
She wants to leave and ride her bike it's too nice a day to sit inside. I wanted to wake her up! Walk through it lady with your
head up, is the first thing that came to me. I picked up my chair and moved away from her, I just didnt want to get caught in the net. In the corner I heard her mention needing to leave shortly.
Despite my clinging to the negative "one" it was a beautiful day. In the past these situations would spoil my days. Hiding out behind the disappointment is a place that I choose not to reside, of course just for today.
Today was satisfying, full and sometimes sad. A full range of feelings came up for me. The gift of the program allows a full range of feelings to arise and then I might be able to identify them.

As the day began I heard a small voice whimpering,"I thought I would be cured by now. It is not going to happen this time around."
Yes I wanted the pill to make my life full of daisies and Doris Day movie tunes.
What has taken me down to the depths of who I am is teaching me lessons that would not be examined otherwise.
I do have an incredible life today.

One topic we covered today was Equanimity. It is one of the most sublime emotions of Buddhist practice. It is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love. While some may think of equanimity as dry neutrality or cool aloofness, mature equanimity produces a radiance and warmth of being. The Buddha described a mind filled with equanimity as “abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and without ill-will.”

The English word “equanimity” translates two separate Pali words used by the Buddha. Each represents a different aspect of equanimity.

The most common Pali word translated as “equanimity” is upekkha, meaning “to look over.” It refers to the equanimity that arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see. When well-developed, such power gives rise to a great sense of peace.

Compassion

2011-09-16T00:23:00.001-07:00

Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic.

Speaking with my brother today on the phone filled me with sadness, anger and disappointment. He was in AA for over twenty years but after back surgery became addicted to scrips due to pain. He is in the disease. I can not cure him. HP is watching over him and I am not God.

Tonight I will practice compassion. I will extend love and kindness first to myself and then offer it out to others.

One day at a time

2011-09-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

It seems to be fine

2011-09-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying tangents radio tonight. Ole Dore Stein draws me into his world with music from around the world. I listen to Ravi Shankar Indian tunes such dreamy night music.
Feelings come up melancholy, happy, satisfied, sad, they float in and the float out of my mind. Getting to know myself more as I work my program gives me gifts.
Sitting without wanting to be somewhere else is one luxurious Alanon gift.
Anywhere was better than where I was at in the past. Meditation, sitting with me is
healing, It's all fine and dandy right here.
There are the crazy girls ready to dive into the pool of anxiety but not tonight.

My neighbors dog is barking outside it echoes through the neighborhood.
Probably has cornered a raccoon so many out and about these days.

Just for tonight I am content
It's been a nice night

Fred Neil---

2011-09-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

Conflict

2011-09-05T21:31:00.000-07:00

Beautiful day went swimming to spend some time in the sun. When it is foggy on the coast I hop in my car drive across the bridge and hope for better weather. Not more than fifteen minutes away usually the sun is shining.
Good thing as it has been a cool summer.
My apple tree is full of crisp fruit getting ready for a harvest in a month.
The lemon tree has not fared well due to our cooler temperatures. I notice ants are also harvesting aphids on the tree. This will require some attention they are aggressive creatures.

I drove to an Alanon meeting today not a soul in the room. The next room over housed a single fella from DA we chatted for a bit. In retrospect it might have been nice to combine the meetings for an hour and share our experience strength and hope.
We both left the church I walked back to my car.

This Wednesday is my weekly AA Buddhist meeting with my sponsor. It has been nice meeting with her once a month studying both Buddhist literature along with AA.
She is teaching a happiness class which I hope to be a part of.
My home group meets on the same night as the class. Unfortunately for me as I enjoy my group but I also like to take the class. To top it all off my favorite recovery Buddhists teachers have been quarreling with each other for over six months. They have been the best of friends for over thirty years, now they pass in silence to each other in the halls.
They live two doors down from one another at the Center.
The monk wants nothing to do anymore with his dear old friend.
It saddens me to watch the disintegration. Is this what the program means?
In some ways this is where they are in their recovery I get to keep the focus off their quarrel. They obviously have an HP..But what the fuck happened to them?
Both are wonderful people who cant get along. It is like a divorce.
Nothing remains the same maybe one day it will shift.

It has helped me to read recovery literature. These days I prop up at night with Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg.
The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention.
Do we in the midst of water look for something elsewhere to drink? Transformation comes from looking deeply within.

The pit in my stomach reoccurred this weekend, old feelings came into play.
It was different though the self hatred has softened. The fella is still running the race but the rules are changing. Learning to have patience with this part of who I am.

Tonight I read this quote send it out into the blogger world in cyberland

I teach one thing and only one: that is, suffering and the end of suffering.
the Buddha

Taking Care of Buisness

2011-08-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

Taking care of business means keeping the focus on myself. I try my best to have compassion toward myself. Negative self talk is one of my character defects which haunts me like a bad circus ride.

Recently I have gone through quite a bit of loss. This is where my program gave me the ability to have compassion toward the raging alcoholic my stepfather. H was most of the time rude, angry and a racist. My mother would speak in low whispers around him as he would listen to her every word. Often times there was a feeling of uncertainty surrounding his presence, you never knew what would happen. My mother was a victim again and H was the perpetrator. This was the same story line she had with my father. I followed her lead my father was the bad guy. My relationship with my Dad was strained although at the end of his life we did get a chance to talk. He went to AA trying his best to get sober. Although at his retirement store he did sell pot...oops he tried his best. I am still learning to accept my mother in the disease. My mother does not drink, I have never seen her drunk.

It has been difficult to care for my mother in her untreated Alanon life. There has never been much care and love from her. I get sad writing this but I do know she has done the best she can. She herself was raised by two drunks who did not work a program. What can I do about my feelings toward my Mom to take care of myself?

I go to meetings on a regular basis, work the steps, have a sponsor, and do service. Reaching out to the new person is also very important. I share my experience strength and hope. I can still have a great life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. My happiness is up to me to take care of. I try to remember to work my 12th step turning it over to HP. I have learned to sit with my feelings and not react to others outbursts. Most of all there is a new freedom although small that has become a part of my life.

From Kevin Griffins book One Breathe at a Time

Turning our will over means that we now are clear about how we want to live, that we've committed ourselves to living skillfully and wisely. That doesn't mean we'll always succeed (far from it), but it does mean that we know what direction we want to be aimed, and when we lose our way we know how to get back. In the same way that when we are meditating and get lost in thought, when we realize that's happened, we come back to the breath, to our intention to be present. This shift of intention has a profound effect on the direction of our lives.

2011-08-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

2011-08-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

True self

2011-08-22T22:28:00.001-07:00

The meeting topic tonight was on theft. There are various forms to stealing intentional acts or unintended acts. How do we work our steps around these issues. One fourth step for me using the Blue Print for Progress gave me insight into my character. When I hurt myself by stealing

the world around me also suffers. Keeping my victim self alive requires food. This means I don't have enough nor am I enough. The program gives me back my life, it allows my true self to emerge.

A beautiful story was told regarding giving to the thief...similar to La Misreable.

Generous action breaks the thief. Working with sponsees gives me insight into the building of character defects. I hear them mention how worthless they are, liars, thieves the list is endless. In all this I hear myself and the horrible self talk I practice which keeps my alanonic self alive. Generous giving to my sponsees by sitting and listening to them share thier program is rewarding. This action teaches me to also be loving toward myself one day at a time.

Suzuki Roshi said, "When we think we do not posses something, then we want to steal. But actually everything in the world belongs to us so there is no need to steal." He took his glasses as an example. "They do not belong to me or to you, or they belong to all of us. But you know about my tired old eyes so you let me use them." This attitude of just using whatever we have without identifying it as mine, or belonging to me, is helpful in loosening up the solidity or fixedness of what we think of as the self. When we treat our possessions and even our body as something we have been given temporarily to take care of and use, then we won’t have such a strong tendency to define who we are by what we have.

Taking care of ourselves

2011-08-17T21:44:00.001-07:00

Just arrived home from a beautiful trip up north to the Hot Springs. It is such a beautiful spot

two hours drive. There is a large swimming mineral pool, hot plunge, cold plunge and saunas. Hot water bubbling up from a volcanic source soothes the soul. I particular like to rest in the hot pool and then jump into the cold plunge and begin again.

I camp it is nice sleeping outside it relaxes and comforts me. This is not the roughing it kind of camping I bring a thin mattress with good bedding. The stars are incredible in the city they lost. A woman today mentioned it is good for the body to sleep near the earth. Sleeping with the night sounds of animals, insects and water in a stream relaxes me deeply. I feel so refreshed when I wake up in the morning.

There are no cell phone towers or computers allowed. Grateful I get to relax in such a beautiful environment. Taking care of myself means allowing vacations to be a part of my plan.

My HP is there for my partner when I am away. I am learning to trust things work out just the way they are supposed to. I can have gratitude in my life shifting the negative attitude that was my storyline it keeps the disease alive.

"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances." Martha Washington

The world has it's own magic

2011-08-14T00:20:00.000-07:00

Went to an insightful film tonight "Another Earth." I was moved by the storyline which took me deeper into concepts of personal exploration. The idea of perceptions, having to let go to become more aware, illusions, being able to look at who you are with an objective lens, these were just a few of the ideas I gathered up in a bundle. At times I feel as if I comprehend a new way of looking at the world. This knowing is brief. Building up my moments helps guide me through the trouble times.

My storyline is held together by past events that i cling to as my life. But i do know there are promises of the program, the unraveling is slow...a new freedom and happiness.

Underneath it all is a where understanding, acceptance and serenity rest.

Going to Alanon meetings allows me to deal with my disease. If I can stay present life seems to feel much better.

Suzuki-roshi says: "The world is its own magic"—

One Day at a Time

2011-08-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

Let Go

2011-08-09T20:38:00.001-07:00

Just trying to keep it simple today. Don't feel I had better attend my Alanon meeting tonight.

Taking care of myself means being mindful of how I feel physically also.

This regular Tuesaday meeting that I loved in the past is becoming a challenge for me. One particular member who has 24 years in the rooms regularly declares she has not worked a step.

Just last week she declared again that she hasn't worked a step.

Her partner does work the steps ? They are cornerstones of this one particular meeting.

I have spoken to my Sponsor about my issue with this particular person. I have not revealed her name to anyone nor will I.

I keep reminding myself, "Principals before personalities".

She is leading the group but not working a program. I count on the rooms to guide me. It is difficult to trust in some situations.

Am I attaching to this one particular situation that does not work to distance myself from the rooms? I do attend several meetings during the week.

I will sit with the discomfort and watch myself around this issue. Maybe I will find another meeting to attend. I do have choices around this problem. Keeping the focus on myself and not attaching to her problem will be a big lesson for me.I am powerless over her recovery program.

This is where I turn it over to my HP and meditate.

Let Go and Let God

3 c's

2011-08-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Wonderful hike today with friends. I stayed at home for half of the day then made a phone call to friends. They suggested a hike I decided to take care of myself I left and let Y have his time at home working. He mentioned I work with him on a project. His need to work seven days a week is not my choice on how I want to spend my Sunday. Instead I hiked a beautiful trail with friends in the mountains. I tried my best to detach with love from Y. Turning my will and my life over to the care of HP as I understand. Trying to keep the focus on me helps the whole situation. What can I do to take care of myself in the moment.

In the past I felt responsible for his workaholic choices. What had I done to cause our relationship to suffer? Everything was my fault.

Lately I again notice some anger arise toward him regarding his constant need to work. I don't have to fix him is one of my mantras. He complains constantly about his employees and his life. I get sad when I hear about his anxiety. He has a HP just as I do. I begin the vigilant watch over his behavior. He calls me a cop and it might be true. I am watching him to do something wrong so I can vent. This gives me a chance to release steam that has been built up.

The three c's

Didn't cause it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it. We begin to learn the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves.

Sitting in meditation helps me take care of myself. Having a meditation program is a tool I can take with me wherever I go.

Valuable

2011-07-31T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today the sky was filled with fog..I woke up a little frantic, sad, with feelings of loneliness as time progressed it lifted. These feelings used to be common for me each weekend was to be endured.

With time some of my character defects have lifted. No longer must we each depend on our own unsteady will power. Turning my life over to HP on a daily basis allows my world to unfold just as it's supposed to.

I walked in my new shoes to the Asian Art Museum to see an exhibit. It was nice to take care of myself without expecting others to fill me up. What a difficult position to put others in as I

have in the past. I made a phone call to my sponsor but she was in a retreat and unable to answer. Things ended up being just fine I listened to museum guided walks.

Having gratitude also is a good reminder of what I do have in my life. In so many ways I am grateful ... There are many women who struggle in the world for a simple glass of water. I take it for granted that tomorrow will be fresh safe water to drink flowing out the tap.

Alanon has given me many gifts. Tonight I have some serenity and realize one day at a time works for me.

" I am learning to treat myself as valuable. I find that when I practice long enough I begin to believe it."

In All Our Affairs

Counting Breath

2011-07-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

When the student is ready the teacher appears. Zen Buddhist

In meditation I sit and try not to attach to all the story lines that whirl through my mind. Tonight I couldn't relax. This used to be a constant state of being for me.

Not attaching to my feelings is freeing, it's a shift of how I am in the world.

This allows me to stay in the present, when this happens I feel peaceful.

Counting my breaths helps to keep my focus.

From one to ten.

This moment is all I have, the past and the present are gone..

So I would propose a very simple practice to you, the practice of mindful breathing: "Breathing--I know that I am breathing in; breathing--I know that I am breathing out." If you do that with a little concentration, then you will be able to really be there, because in our daily life our mind and our body are rarely together. Our body might be there, but our mind is somewhere else. Maybe you are lost in regrets about the past, maybe in worries about the future, or else you are preoccupied with your plans, with anger or with jealousy. And so your mind is not really there with your body.
Between the mind and the body, there is something that can serve as a bridge. The moment you begin to practice mindful breathing, your body and your mind begin to come together with one another. It takes only 10 to 20 seconds to accomplish this miracle called oneness of body and mind. With mindful breathing, you can bring body and mind together in the present moment, and every one of us can do it, even a child.

Peace

2011-07-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Today I felt ill at ease, sad really. A dear friend's husband passed away after a long battle with cancer. They live down the street, I have dropped by spending time with her family.

Such sadness fills her eyes. She has many friends stop by during the day dropping off food.

Her brothers in law have surrounded her. I watch them down cocktails on every visit.

They look so well put together why do they need to drink so much?

This is where I keep the focus on myself. What they do is none of my business.

It saddens me to think they have to check out in life.

With my sadness it is a good opportunity to become more mindful. Watch where I try to hide out when feelings come up for me.

Recently I looked up the word Equanimity which is often used in Buddhist teachings.

Equanimity is a state of mental or emotional stability or composure arising from a deep awareness and acceptance of the present moment.

Just for today I will try to be present and not run from my feelings.

No one can bring your peace but yourself.

Emerson

Teachings are everywhere

2011-07-17T20:43:00.001-07:00

Beautiful day today the sun lasted till 8:30P ...It began with fog and ended with golden rays.

That is the beauty of life it can end in ways I can't even fathom.

A friend stayed with me this week from Nashville. We were good friends and have remained so over the years. She pursued her music career and I followed film. Her boyfriend broke up with her leaving her with a broken heart or should I say withdrawing from her fix. It was difficult watching her go through crying fits along with self pity bouts. In all of her madness I tried to stay present for me and still have compassion for her struggles. I watched her, a woman now in her fifties act even crazier today in relationships than she did in her thirties. The Alanon disease has progressed as it does with time if untreated. HP is always with her, when she is ready the program will be there.

As she was driving fifty miles an hour down the freeway wailing, a sponsee called me. I answered the phone listening to someone who works a program.

God works in mysterious ways. It was just what I needed to hear grounding me into the moment.

Hoping that my old friend can show up for herself and work a program. I can not force her into recovery but I have benefited greatly from this commitment made in my life. What can I do to help take care of her it to take care of myself. People learn from my example when they are ready to see it.

"Today I will keep my hands off and keep my focus where it belongs , on me"

In All Out Affairs

"Buddhas teaching is everywhere. Teaching is in each moment in every existence"

Suzuki Roshi

Staying present

2011-07-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Today I ran along the ocean trail navigating crowds of family's sharing the same path.

When I arrived home my sponsor called me back I didn't want to answer the phone but I did anyway. I try to answer calls when I can it keeps me showing up and not avoiding.

I gave her the rundown on my character defect " negative self talk." This record plays far less than it had in the past but the music still spins in my head. I have to say it is painful to wake up to it some mornings and today was one of the bad days. In the past I would have spun with it deeper and invited this conversation to stay a while.

Today it lasted a few hours. As the day progressed the voice was quieter, I sat and even meditated for ten minutes. Not running from my feelings is progress. Compassion for where I am at is healing.

It is only when we begin to relax with ourselves as we are that meditation becomes a transformative process. When we relate with ourselves without moralizing, without harshness, without deception, we finally let go of harmful patterns. Without maitri, renunciation of old habits becomes abusive. This is an important point. Pema Chodron

Nurturing our lives

2011-07-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

Meeting up with old friends these days visiting from the East. It was sad having both friends leave it was as if a piece of me went with them. Tonight we went to a Chinese restaurant and chatted of old times while eating soup dumplings. The meal was great I watched as they drank a bottle of wine another glass was poured for me. I had no desire to join them in the drinking offering my drink to S.

It has taken a deep commitment learning to be with me so at this point I am not interested in leaving my body. Learning slowly what nurtures my life and how to take care of me unfolds daily. I expected others to take care of my as I sacrificed so much for them. This was my disease working.

Tomorrow more guests hope to attend an Alanon meeting like to connect with others working a program.

Better to keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. Geroge Bernard Shaw

Forgiveness

2011-06-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

Today flew by ... I had a difficult day with feeling unwanted, unloved but pulled myself out of the old groove by going to a meeting. Some days I forget the small voice in the back whispering old familiar slogans " your defective" "you are unlovable" so on and so forth.

We have relatives in town from NY they are visiting another family member R who lives ten minutes away.Although we went to University together we don't communicate. I have made efforts in the past to R but they were ignored. I use this as a way to prove to the old self the whisper messenger was right I am not worthy of love. My victim-hood is reinstated and the disease is alive.

This is sick but at least a part of me realizes I am playing out a story line. Working the program has given me insight into the workings of my insanity.

To be honest R and I were never close. We are very different people. But I choose situations to feed my monster, he needs food to keep the addiction alive.

Tonight I am going to pray for R and also myself. I deserve care and support and the first person I look to is myself. With the help of the program learning how to care deeply is revealed.

We will enjoy a new freedom and happiness.

I have a HP that loves me as I am. When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me, I believe I am doing God's will.

THE PRACTICE OF TONGLEN

In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

true Nature

2011-06-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

Almost at the finale with the doc reviews. I will have to drive to the office of the director for my final scores. This last event involves the ability to recount the film's assets and failures.

I have done this in the past my memory was sharp but I wasnt working my program very well.

What does this have to do with working a program you might ask?

It has to do with speaking up for myself without feeling ashamed. Yes I felt that speaking up meant that I had to be willing to make mistakes publicly. My core belief was shame of who I was.

I am not responsible for what people think of me. If I am setting a right intention and doing the footwork with my program Hp has a plan for my life.

tonight i can go to sleep knowing Hp is here within me

Suzuki Roshi

The only way to understand or to realize our true nature is just through practice. Without true practice it is impossible to realize our true nature. Of course, what we do, whether we are aware of it or not, what we do in our everyday life is based on true—our true nature. True nature drive us to do something, but if you do not understand, or if you do not realize your true—what is true nature, and if you have no system to know the actual meaning of your true nature, you will get into confusion.

Care taking

2011-06-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tired tonight trying to rest today. It was a busy day finishing up compiling round one of documentary films for a festival. There is an elderly woman from Alanon that I invited into the jury. She is not showing up in a way that is needed for the festival. We were to submit our final decisions today and she didn't have her list completed, the other members had to wait around as she scrambled to get it together. I felt like her mother.

She decided to go out and listen to Jazz last night instead of complete her submissions.

I have to step out of my expectations. I had to guide her through her list making. Was I care taking her? In some ways .... I have been gently guiding her through the process this being her first time to jury films. She is a literary agent and very clever for her 77 years but lacks a cinematic language.

Maybe I expect too much from her? This is where I work my program. Step back from her problem and look at my part in this episode.

One step at a time

Trust there is a HP who takes care of us all

Passings

2011-06-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

It was a difficult challengin week. H family is involved in politics in the old old country. His uncle passed away after years of fighting the government publicly. He was in and out as a political prisoner for over thirty years. I have to say he wasn't my favorite person but I admired him. But his daughter H I did both like and admire. She was a devoted political activist fighting injustices openly in public. Her latest prison sentence was fighting voter fraud and it got her two years in prison. She was not afraid of the government speaking out against injustice was her life's calling. The goverment let her out of prison to attend her fathers funeral. As the family walked toward the cemetery she was killed by secret police. H's sister was by her side as the secret police beat her, she died shortly afterward. The police placed her body in an unmarked grave to hide the evidence. She knew the dangers speaking out meant and was not afraid.

I mourn her passing tonight in this blog.

Haleh Sahabi http://www.payvand.com/news/11/jun/1013.html

May I be filled with loving kindness,
May I be well,
May I be peaceful and at ease,
May I be happy (or free from suffering.

May you be filled with loving kindness,
May you be well,
May you be peaceful and at ease,
May you be happy (or free from suffering).

May all beings be filled with loving kindness,
May all beings be well,
May all beings be peaceful and at ease,
May all beings be happy (or free from suffering).

- Loving Kindness Metta -

Just outside the city

2011-05-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

Restless

2011-05-29T20:50:00.001-07:00

It was a soft day full of gardening then ending with a walk on the beach. I began the day feeling anxious wishing I had attended a retreat yesterday. I was tired though and felt I needed rest more. This is what happens somedays I don't feel content. I end up thinking I should have done something else than what I chose. I remember this too shall pass..Sometimes I get caught up in trying to figure it out when HP has a plan and I can always turn it over.

Restless Irritable and Discontent

Spiritual progress turning my life over to the care of HP

This is where I work my program do the footwork

"When you are practicing Zazen meditation do not try to stop your thinking. Let it stop by itself. If something comes into your mind, let it come in and go out, it will not stay long. When you try to stop your thinking, it means you are bothered by it. Do not be bothered by anything. It appears that the something comes from outside your mind, but actually it is only the waves of your mind and if you are not bothered by waves, gradually they will become calmer and calmer...Many sensations come, many thoughts or images arise but they are just waves from your own mind, Nothing comes from outside your own mind...If you leave your mind as it is, it will become calm. This mind is called big mind."
Suzuki Roshi in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind

Turning it over to HP

2011-05-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

The day is ending with a rain. I look out at the ocean watching the golden light the last of the day. The sun sets and another day as ended.

It was a difficult weekend. Our translators husband is in his final days on earth. N has worked tirelessly for our documentary. It was a practice in letting go and turning to HP to sit with him as he cried. He can no longer put sentences together a man who translated Russian space documents.

I realize his passing challenges me to look at life. A japanese friend commented when my grandmother was passing "remember without death there is no life." This sentence calmed me years ago sitting in a hospital waiting room.

Turning it over to HP who has a plan for the universe frees me to be present without worry and anxiety. If I can sit with him without trying to fix it this is a great gift I can give to him in these last days.

May I be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my teachers be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my parents be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my relatives be well, happy, and peaceful.

May my friends be well, happy, and peaceful.

May the indifferent persons be well, happy, and peaceful.

May the unfriendly persons be well, happy, and peaceful.

May all meditators be well, happy, and peaceful.

May all beings be well, happy, and peaceful.

If you wish, add the following prayer:

"Om Mani Padme Hum" ("Hail to the jewel in the lotus")

Acceptance

2011-05-13T23:29:00.001-07:00

It was a long day today. I was lucky to end it all with a meeting and mediation.

Knowing that this meeting was going to end my day helped bring me peace.

Letting my mind rest with the moment is freedom. Thoughts move in and out

I watch them and try not to ride the pony. But I get caught up and put on the bridle.

Suzuki Roshi states mediation is one big mistake. We count our breathe and then get lost and start all over again.

In our daily lives and meditation practice we watch mistakes arise and try to deal with them with acceptance and kindness. Kevin Griffin

Gratitude

1. for my life today

2. This too shall pass helped me get through the day

I am not responsible for others happiness

2011-05-08T22:39:00.001-07:00

Agnostic and Freethinkers

Today I decided to check out a new meeting in my neighborhood. Unfortunately I sat between two very large men, this was uncomfortable but I stayed needing the rooms today.

I ended up seeing my florist who I liked never knowing she was one of us. This weekend I made several calls to my sponsor it was good to connect to her. She has been there for me. R made a couple of comments which brought me back into the moment.

Alanon is a good program it has helped me enormously.

H is in one of his rages working too many hours. This uncomfortable place with H is where I get to work my program. My life has changed and the way I react has shifted.

In the past I felt so responsible to make him feel better, especially about me. His big bait to engage me is verbally downgrading who I am and what a failure I am etc etc. It is sad to read this but I was given Alanon to guide me through these difficult lessons. What H thinks of me is none of my business. Love this saying because I care so much at the expense of my serenity. Being freed today of one my character defects I have compassion for myself. Sitting with myself in meditation helps me to learn acceptance. In my mind I do believe that I am responsible for his happiness. Also I can be upset with H and still love him. He is in charge of his happiness. I am but a mere mortal .......oh my

I am enjoying my night reading blogs and getting ready to listen to Buddhist lectures.

I have a HP who loves me as I am.

"He who would have beautiful roses in his garden must have beautiful roses in his heart"

Zen

2011-04-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

"The way to ascend unto God is to descend into one's self"; — these are Hugo's words. "If thou wishest to search out the deep things of God, search out the depths of thine own spirit"; — this comes from Richard of St. Victor. When all these deep things are searched out there is after all no "self" where you can descend, there is no "spirit", no "God" whose depths are to be fathomed. Why? Because Zen is a bottomless abyss. Zen declares, though in somewhat different manner: "Nothing really exists throughout the triple world; where do you wish to see the mind (or spirit, *hsin*)? The four elements are all empty in their ultimate nature; where could the Buddha's abode be? — but lo! the truth is unfolding itself right before your eye. This is all there is to it — and indeed nothing more!" A minute's hesitation and Zen is irrevocably lost. All the Buddhas of the past, present, and future may try to make you catch it once more, and yet it is a thousand miles away.

Live in the Present

2011-04-24T22:20:00.001-07:00

It is a wonderful night took an incredible restorative yoga class. I felt at peace and present for myself. This feeling of serenity felt like an eternity but it last probably only a few seconds.

Taking care of myself emotionally and physically is a gift I get to give myself due to working a program. When I take care of myself instead to thinking others should take care of me this is a shift.

I held strong resentments after taking care of others and then expecting them to take care of me in return. Well most of the time they never did return the favor and if they did it wasn't quite right for me. This helps keeps the disease alive. My happiness is my responsibility.

I like this quote from Alanon.

Living in the past is VICTIM, Living in the future is MANIPULATING. Live in the present.

Being content is an incredible experience. I have gratitude for the full life I live today. I can enjoy the fruits of this moment in the past I lived in lack of.............

“Be yourself because everyone else is taken.” Oscar Wilde

Freedom

2011-04-23T00:25:00.000-07:00

The topic tonight was anger. The speaker spoke of his well of anger which bubbles up from time to time. He watches it and tries not to ride the dragon or be a slave to his emotions. He is active in his recovery and I have been given alot of support from his experience, strength and hope.

I turned my anger inward which surfaced as depression. I was afraid of my anger my emotions were deeply hidden. It has taken quite a bit of time to bring them forth into my life into this moment. My parents did not hide their anger, in fact it was one of the few feelings that surfaced constantly.

My father was a violent man, cars were wrecked, my parents hit one another and I listened in fear. Some nights I wasn,t sure if my mother would be alive in the morning. At eighteen I left and never came back to my parents home.

My husband a work-aholic is also an angry man. I would tip toe around his feelings trying to avoid his down days. If he was mad I was mad it was horrible and I felt like a slave to his emotions. It was one of the lowest points in my life the year I came back into the rooms.

Today my life has slowly changed. My H can be upset and some days I can step back from his

feelings without riding them. I practice the three c's and let go. I fumble and make mistakes but I keep coming back. My program is not about perfection it is just me practicing my program.

Sitting with myself frees me and allows me to learn to be present for myself.

Gratitude

HP is always there for me, others and the world

Learning acceptance

Watching

2011-04-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

Mindfulness meditation has value in two distinct ways for people in recovery. First as a way to bring some calm and serenity into the heart and mind. People in recovery, especially newcomers, experience a lot of stress, and having a regular meditation practice goes a long way toward reducing that stress. The second way mindfulness meditation helps is by giving us insight into our destructive mental and emotional habits. When we take time to carefully watch our thoughts, we begin to see how we create many of our own problems, and we learn to let go.

Tonight was a good meeting. A newcomer that left for a few weeks was back with her rage and grief. Sitting beside her tonight reminded me of my childhood. She spoke of her place in the family as the raging child. It felt scary sitting beside her. She cussed, screamed and cried.

We told her to keep coming back it gets better. I can make this promise to her it does get better....

As a young adult I raged and lashed and withdrew and then left. That was how I dealt with my feelings abandoning myself. In recovery I get to come back to me. Within I am still there waiting for the return. Sitting in meditation helps me to quite my mind or at least watch the thoughts and then detach from it all. Letting go turning it all over to HP. I dont have to figure it all out HP is there waiting.

Gratitude

for HP being able to sit with myself

Letting Go

2011-04-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

Concentrating on my breath helps center me during anxiety attacks. If I can focus on something keeps me concentrated. At night when I have trouble falling to sleep I count my breaths letting go it is a challenge to let go. This practice seems to help me with my program. Searching on the internet I found this quote attached below.

D: Why is letting go so difficult? I can watch my other emotions like anger and hatred, but it is much harder to see desire and clinging.

That's because desire and clinging precede anger and hatred. In any fit of emotion - and our mental formations occur so very fast - we can only identify gross emotions like anger and hatred. Desire and clinging are much more subtle, so it takes stronger samadhi to be able to see them.

You have been conditioned since you were very young to relate everything to yourself. As soon as you learn to recognise people and things, you're taught how to relate these to the "I" and "mine"-- my mom, my dad, my toy, etc. As you grow up you're taught how to relate ideas and concepts to yourself. You have to learn that so that you can function properly in society.

But at the same time, this process slowly and unconsciously creates a concept of selfhood, and you build up your ego. This build up is strengthened by the values of society. You learn to compete, to achieve, to accumulate knowledge, wealth and power. In other words, you are trained to possess and to cling.

By the time you are grown up, the concept of ego-self has become so real that it is difficult to tell what is illusion and what is reality. It is difficult to realise that "I" and "mine" are temporary, relative and changeable. The same is true of all that is related to "I" and "mine." Not understanding that "I" and "mine" are temporary, you struggle to keep them permanent; you cling to them. This desire to try to keep everything permanent is what makes it so difficult to learn to let go.

Buddhism and 12 steps

2011-04-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful dinner with Y. I used to make a dinner every night but lately have slacked off cooking. But when I do cook with fresh vegies it tastes good I enjoy it.

I am studying with a Buddhist teacher around the 12 steps. She is a very caring, considerate person. This is a gift of the program being a part of her group. When I first met her I liked her right off we share alot of similar experiences. I had to ask her three times before she finally agreed to be my teacher. Three is some odd number used in Zen practice.

We are reading a Pema Chodron's book No Time to Loose, The Way of the Bodhisattva and then have discussion. There are four in the group the other 2 women have a long history of being friends. There is a triangulation although the teacher tries to take this into consideration.

We do 12 step shares. I cried during my share thinking of my relationship with my mother.

They were there for me. It felt good to know these women..

Today I practiced my meditation to ease me through the day. I counted my breathe

then lost concentration. Making mistakes and admitting this is freeing. Just like working the steps admitting our errors. Suzuki Roshi calls meditation "one continuous mistake".

We go off the breath and then come back. "In our daily lives as well as our meditation practice

we try to cultivate the same attitude of watching the mistakes arise with acceptance and kindness." Kevin Griffin

Gratitude

HP is there for me even on the dark days

Feeling good right now love to blog

Happy to have my life

2011-04-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

2011-04-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Where I focus my attention

2011-04-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my Buddhist meeting. Throughout the meeting I felt ill at ease.

Despite this feeling I meditated walking through my fear. Walking through my character defects with grace, mindfulness and willingness. Buddhists believe we are fluid dynamic underneath our habits of mind. Beneath our hinderances, beneath the thoughts feelings and sensations is pure awareness. Beautiful way to view my interior it is true surrender. Our nature is a luminous presence and this nature can not be defective.

Letting go and surrendering my negative self talk is slippery. My will power wants to hold on tight to being a victim so much sadness bathes my identity. One suggestion is to focus on the parts of the day when I am not feeling depressed. How I think about myself is important to how I feel about myself.

Alanon has helped me to discover that, while it's good to acknowledge whatever I feel, I have a choice about where I focus my attention. I have been given a precious life and have been created for a purpose. I can look at the postive in everything that I do and see. A new perspective helps me to realize I have choices and some of the most difficult times in my life have produced the most wonderful changes.

I will replace a negative attitude with a positive one today.

Gratitude

Hp has plans for me and I dont have to understand it all

I have been a member now for over 3 years again after an absence.

My life has many wonderful moments, hours, days, and years!

relief

2011-04-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

Everyday I am learning more about life. I am grateful for the willingness my HP gives me to learn more about who I am. My relationship with me is challenging but i ask for guidance to love who I am. It is hard to accept where I am at and to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me.

But at this moment I feel acceptance.

Lately in meditation I have been examining my self hatred. This has permeated my life since I was a young girl. I didnt have to the power to make the family feel better therefore I was a failure. This world view follows me even today. I watch my mind awaken with negative self talk. It's embarrassing for me to mention it is very painful. For the past two days I had relief from this recording I was relieved. Practicing my program around this defect gives me relief.

Learning to take care of me without focusing on someone else's problem is recovery in action.

I am responsible for myself. Positive self care means learning to care for D to keep the focus off others. I am not God.

Gratitude

1. HP is a loving presence

2. 12 steps guide me through the labyrinth

2011-04-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

2011-03-30T00:16:00.000-07:00

Mystery

2011-03-26T00:06:00.001-07:00

Had a wonderful evening went to see a new show at the Museum. We have Friday nights

that are open with music, lectures and a local artist. It was packed tonight premiering a Spanish designer. I love meetings but it is also important sometimes to have fun outside the rooms.

There was alot of growth for me yesterday. One of my friends? is bottoming out and she does not drink nor do drugs. I seem to draw this situation into my life. Guess I need to look at my part in the problem. W has a large storage unit and added another small unit, one has alot of antiques. Due to these costs she can not afford an apartment to live in. She wants to live free off people to pay the storage. It is sad to watch her tumble and fall right now. Yesterday she hinted for me to pay her storage fee I didn't take the bait. HP is there for her as he is for everyone. I listened as she spoke of how everyone let her down and she is having bad luck right now. I wanted to advise her and tell her what she needs to do to change her life. I held my tongue and said a couple of times is that so? I do care for her and have helped her as much as I feel comfortable. She will be ok in time I do believe this she is not an addict. It is important not to become too attached to her story and forget my life. I find myself doing this even as I write about it tonight.

After speaking with her it was time for my meeting. I entered feeling sad,disconnected to the other women in the group. Taking care of myself is still uncomfortable. I want to jump into being the old me care taking then wanting them to eventually take care of me, they can't take care of me as I need and then I will be full of resentments. The disease has a hold of my life again.

I turn my life over to HP there is a plan for it all. I don't have to figure it all out.

I like the loving kindness mediation in Buddhism. This practice begins with the meditator cultivating loving-kindness towards themself,^[7] then their loved ones, friends, teachers, strangers, enemies, and finally towards all sentient beings.

Gratitude

HP has love for all beings

It's a mysterious world

Sister in laws

2011-03-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

Despite all the past bad events with my sister in law I had a wonderful night with her.

The program has helped my relationship with her tremendously. She just couldn't and wouldn't take my advice in the past...I look back and realize my disease was running the show.

She wanted us to take care of her and I gladly jumped into the role.

Then when she also wanted my Husband to come into the caretaker role it really irked me.

Resentments were close at hand. It was not a good place for me to be in. I was never enough for her although I was trying in my people pleasing way to make her life comfortable even at the expense of my serenity.

I merge with people who are close to me. It is very uncomfortable for me I dont want to be someones everything but I feel this is my job..or I used to feel this. It was also hard for me to look women in the eye sometimes I am still unsure why this would occur guess it had to do with being uncomfortable in my skin..My relationship with my mother was too close too much information was shared with me at a young age. She tried her best with what she had. Today I dont have much of a relationship with her. With time and the tools of the program maybe some sliver between us can begin.

Tonight with my sister in law and the help of the program the dinner was wonderful. When she arrived to stay in SF I was glad to see her and stepped back and let her take care of herself. This means I don't call her everyday, try not to gossip about other family members and to let her take care of herself. Detach with love toward her.

"I am a separate person with the responsibility and right to live my own life and make my own choices and to experience the consequences or rewards from them. Your loved one has the responsibility and right to live his/her own life and make his/her own choices and to experience the consequences or rewards from them. You can learn how to care about your loved one and still live your own life by detaching with love." Borrowing this quote from another sums up my feelings.

Gratitude

For my HP all else follows from my spiritual path

2011-03-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

Life has a way

2011-03-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

Enjoying my night listening to my favorite radio show playing international music. It is one of my weekly joys to sit at home turn off everything but the show, make a fire, and listen. The announcer is incredibly informative traveling extensively throughout the world collecting music. I have loved traveling taking myself out of my safe world and into the unknown. With all my crazy behavior I am grateful I had the courage to begin traveling at a young age.

I could not wait to leave my home as a young kid. My first trips were to camps, then to England and eventually I left for college in Europe and worked in Africa, Asia and the Middle East. As long as I was not present for the insanity then I was safe. With time my Alanon disease progressed it became obvious the trips were to run away from myself. There were many times choices I made were dangerous and I could have ended up in very bad situations. HP had other plans for me. I hoped to live a deeper more meaningful life with the program this slowly is materializing.

Life has a way of working out just the way it was supposed to.

Today it is nice to know I have choices in the way I respond to situations. I am no longer a child living in fear. Tonight my husband was in a bad mood as the evening progressed his mood worsened. He is going to bed angry. It is not possible for me to make him feel any better..

I have a choice in how I am going to respond to his baiting comments. It makes me sad he cant be happier but I am not able to make him feel better. In the past I used his comments to make my evening serene or miserable. My feelings were dependent on those around me. This is a way I would leave my life also by piggybacking on others moods to express my own rage.

I can pray tonight for Y wishing him joy, peace and serenity....

Gratitude

Learning how to take care of myself

Life is precious I thank HP for my life

The fire is still burning although outside is raining

Step 11

2011-03-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight we spoke of Step 11..The talk was thoughtful and funny. I enjoy laughing in the rooms at some of the stories that were shared. The speaker spoke of praying for your enemies.

He had rage and anger toward his ex girlfriend. Finally his sponsor got tired of hearing about this storyline and asked him to pray for her. Eventually things shifted for him toward his ex, he could think of her without rage. He considered this shift of feelings one of his first spiritual experiences.

The rage and anger I have only feeds my addiction. My neighbor is a good example of feeding the fire of resentments. They run a cabinet shop out of their home and work with toxic paint fumes. Our homes are attached when paints are sprayed in one area they spread through the walls of other homes. Day and night I would smell paint fumes, in the kitchen, bedroom, and living room.

I confronted them they lied about the paints. I began to doubt what I smelled and I didnt see the cabinets leave their home. My other neighbor confirmed seeing large cabinets leave their home at 6 am. I set up my camera taping the cabinets leave the home confirming what I smelled.

They did not stop entirely but it slowed things down. This for me was good enough but when I would see the Mrs my thoughts were steered toward rage. This is when I began to practice my program in a new way, praying for her at night. I wished her life to be peaceful and calm. The prayers took about two weeks plenty of rage was stored up but things shifted.

Eventually When she would stare at me I didnt look back at her full of revenge filled thoughts.

Things change with time, they still live next door. I wouldnt call them friends but I dont wait till they leave so I can walk out the front door of my home.

Resentment destroys the program and keeps the addiction alive. Practicing lovingkindness meditation helps keep me clear. This can shift my outlook toward life. More will be revealed as I work the program.

Gratitude

1. HP is there by my side

2. 12 steps give an depth to my experience

3. My husband is a good man glad I made a choice to try and work things out

Liberation

2011-03-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am not feeling well so I sit resting in bed reading. I enjoy reading my recovery blogs, 12 buddhist work and listening to podcasts. It gives me relief. On reflection it is nice to stay in the moment with meditation. Not having to do... is ok with me also tonight.

Learning to take care of myself when I am sick is recovery. In the past guilt and would arise if I did something for D. I was weak when I took time to take care of me.

I am learning what I can do to make myself feel better.

How do I use the pain in my life to liberate me.

Reading my last blog indicates ongoing fear I have in my life.

Listening to this podcast helps.

thought i would share this with others.

http://www.judithragir.org/12_step_lectures/12-2-04%20Practicing.mp3

Emotions are habits

2011-03-06T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today was difficult it unfolded well and then things started to turn. The morning was nice I had breakfast with Y and began to plan my day. This began the spin ...and feelings of being alone, unloved and full of despair presented it's face. When I sink into this place not much can bring me out...it's as if I sink into a hole and the more I try to get out the deeper I sink. I try and run from my feelings which makes matters worse. Detaching is key to helping relieve me of "Lourdes." She so desperately wants and clings to this suffering.

She wants to be loved and hates herself for wanting ....Attaching, Clinging She reaches out to people who are narcissistic like her mother. This is when the rejection begins..And the hole is dug deeper. Expecting situations to be different than they are. It's an expectation of what I want from my day.

There is a certain amount of compulsivity with this behavior. It is embarrassing after working such a strong program accepting where I am is acceptance and love toward myself. I reach into my toolbox but can't find the right wrench..

Alanon is my ally and teacher. Feeling better tonight searching for serenity. This too shall pass nothing remains the same.

HP has a plan for me. Learning and growing from my experiences.

Buddhism teaches

From a Buddhist point of view it is not the case that emotions “just happen”. Emotions are habits, and are actively created. It seems like they have a life of their own because we aren’t conscious of exactly how we create them. If we can bring more awareness into our emotional life then we can cultivate the emotions we want to experience (those that make us and others happy), and discourage the arising of those we don’t want (those that make us unhappy and generate conflict with others).

please see that you're already perfect in the first place, all that goes on here are experiences. you create the divison and thus the suffering

It gives me great relief to read recovery blogs and Buddhist writing.

Step 9

2011-02-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Sitting down in front of my computer after a great meeting. I truly get something out of every meeting I attend. They talked of Step 9 making amends. This was a mind altering experience for me. I worked the steps with a therapist who was in the program.

When I made amends to Y it was extremely difficult I was guilt ridden. When I did the footwork and turned the results over... my victim character defect had its foundation shaken up. I was also a victimizer. The see saw of character defects victim - victimizer.

They also mentioned putting ourselves at the top of the list. I feel odd thinking of making amends to myself for the wrongs I did. Learning to take care of myself one day at a time.

I took care of others at my expense, but then I expected them to care for me. It was a no win situation...full of resentments for desert.

Taking responsibility for my precious life is freeing. This is a revolutionary act learning to help make the world a better place.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused my standing in one's own sunshine"

Emerson

readiness of the mind

2011-02-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am enjoying sitting at home after making a nice dinner and reading. My new read is Zen Mind Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. It has helped me find some peace by practicing meditation and working the 12 steps.

This weekend I helped organize a social remedial party for our recovery group. We brought food to the center so we could get to know people better with a little socializing. I had a horrible migraine most of the day but took my medication so after a couple of hours was able to get out of bed. Getting the right diagnosis has helped my life tremendously.

I was in charge of bringing food, films and gear for the event. As I began to feel a little better a frantic pace took over, people were counting on me to make this event happen. The spin began but I was able to step back and not attach to my mind.

It was wonderful to be able to let go of the whirl of my mind. What would happen if I was late I thought but realized the party would go on without me.

Alanon has crept into my world making it so much more pleasant. In the past I would have berated myself for being sick. The voices are getting smaller although the spin still happens just not as loud and not has fast.

Arriving later everything, was already set up without me. What, they could perform without my help? I enjoyed myself and chatted with people that I have wanted to speak with in the past.

Many young recovery people are so together it is inspiring to listen to their stories.

As the evening progressed I went to sit near a woman I have spent time with outside the rooms.

It began with her asking where my husband was. She then progressed with more and more intimate questions. It was as if I was in a courtroom, she is an attorney. My husband rarely goes out with me as most of the time he is working. My husband is a workaholic.

I have learned to take care of myself by going to parties on my own. I ended up walking away from the woman but felt very violated. I don't have to answer every question that is posed to me. Her action might need some more work on it's own. To take care of myself in the future could mean walking away from her earlier in the question game if she continues to publicly shame me. I can feel a resentment brewing tonight I am going to pray for her and wish her well.

Sometimes I freeze in situations like the one I experienced on Saturday night. I also want to give credit to a good evening well spent with recovery friends. My lesson for last night was life has many types of experiences it is for me learning to still enjoy my times even if there is one bad event. All in all I had a good time and I am not going to let one bad event spoil the entire evening.

It is readiness of the mind that is wisdom.

Shunryu Suzuki

True Knowledge

2011-02-16T09:28:00.000-08:00

The morning is unfolding just fine. I have been working a strong program for three years now after a long hiatus. Today I feel a calm self with just a tiny speck of anxiety.

Learning more how to live inside D with the guidance of the program.

I am trying to look at old patterns and react differently. In the past I have said yes and then held a resentment. Last night the secretary asked me for a ride just as I was leaving the room. It was difficult for me to say no to her in a kind gentle way. After I told her I wasn't going her way home she looked at my puzzled. I was with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a year and wanted to spend some alone time with her. I am learning to get my needs met and to not feel guilty. I like to be a people pleaser everyone can count on, In doing this I often neglected myself.

Just for today I will look for new ways. This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach.

If your mind is clear, true knowledge is already yours.

Zen Mind Beginners Mind