Powerless

Came home from meeting up with my best friends neighbor. I  learned that my dear friend has been drinking and lying to me. She is in the program but drinks. It hurt me she is a loving caring person who is struggling.
 I want her to be sober but she might not be ready to show up for herself. Every day she is at a meeting.

I thank my program and HP that today I didn't have to take a drink. It's been almost 6 years now.

Powerless over the addiction. HP has a plan for M.

Her recovery is absolutely none of my business. Your business is you.  Your drinking (or not), is none of her business, her drinking is none of yours. She is a grown person.

Community

Beautiful day today went to the Zen Farm for a dharma talk. It brings me deep serenity to sit with myself and join others as they sit with themselves.  Today I heard something that touched me deeply.
When my teacher went to study with the head of the Zen Center he was told we are there for you.
It made me cry.  Reaching out and having a community to support you.

This is also an important point in Alanon for me.There is a community for me to reach into for support and guidance. I can reach out to my sponsor. If my sponsor is not available I continue to reach out and more than likely someone will be there for me. I also am available to others in the program.
 I have learned how to be there for myself.
One of my biggest gifts is loving in a deeper way. More feelings are born as I show up for myself.

I am thinking of my friend who is lying about her drinking. She is suffering.
Loving her for where she is right now with the disease.

• Do not try to become anything.
  Do not make yourself into anything.
  Do not be a meditator.
  Do not become enlightened.
  When you sit, let it be.
  What you walk, let it be.
  Grasp at nothing.
  Resist nothing.
  • Ajahn Chah

Compassion

Feel gratitude tonight. Old feelings came up for me regarding loneliness. This feeling  might stay till I leave this planet. I try to run from the deep well do whatever I can to change what I feel. Force does not change where I am at.  Reaching out today was so difficult  a phone call could not be made for several hours. I foretold they would see my suffering and not be there for me. This is  an old story that I carry with me.
I did eventually make a call to and old friend in the program. She was there for me I revealed my secrets.
No one cares I felt.
But accepting others where they are at is also part of my disease. Wanting them to care for me instead of caring for myself. The disease of Alanon. Others do try their best I believe I can not make them take care of me. It is my disease rearing it's head.
Gratitude and compassion for where I am at.

Meeting with my Buddhist teacher today. She sat looking deeply inside of me. Often this makes me extremely uncomfortable. Turning it over for tonight.
God has a plan for me and the rest of the world.

Grateful

Beautiful day ... walked along the ocean for an hour. Dogs and people were all trying to have a good time.
A part of me felt some of my addiction play out in the "I should be doing something else anything different than where I am right now.." I had this repeat many times in my life. Meditation and turning it over has created some space to be in the moment. Learning to sit with myself and not always attach with my thoughts as they race through my brain. Calm, peaceful moments have entered into my life more as I recover from my addictive lifestyle.
I am grateful for my life today. This is a gift of the program. Program tools help me in my life when I felt so alone in the past.